The Ritalin Set

2008-10-28T15:44:00.000-04:00

And we grow fat on the bones of our idle dreary days...

2008-07-11T01:21:00.003-04:00

http://ouridledays.wordpress.com

Give me a few months to see if I like Wordpress or not. I'm going to squat a few blog titles here just in case it doesn't work (check out themodernleper.blogspot.com for proof).

It's about music and some other stuff, but unlike this site, it's supposed to be. So check it out and Stumble it!

Please?

99.5% of you...

2008-05-23T09:50:00.002-04:00

will be entirely confused.

But, it was to my delight to discover this on a CSCC Computer Lab Mac:

A retreat (OR: Yet anoter late night movie has me posturing)

2008-05-08T11:16:00.001-04:00

It's quarter after 11 and I've barely been awake two hours and I'm already a wreck. I stayed up and finally watched Network like I've been meaning to do for ages. It's another one of those movies that gets me in a tizzy and rambling and monologuing in the car. I've got a whitehead an inch off of my left eye that makes me look like a Bond villain. The Mac I'm using in the computer lab can't even handle a simple blogger text window without screwing up the formatting, leaving ghost text when I delete stuff - it took me a good minute and a half to write the word villain in that last sentence.

No, I'm running on four hours sleep and a Red Bull, something I've not done for almost three months. I'm now fighting to fall apart like I did in the spring. I've kept up with the running thing for three days now, I guess that's good news. But I've picked up a few new bad habits with it, and those are probably setting me back. Alas. I came to the conclusion that while I'm still brurning to be a journalist or a broadcaster or something tangible, I am tired of being a student. It's a drag. And in college, you don't have homework, you study. I studied and studied, and it never really is done. You go until you are ready or until you take the test, whichever comes first (almost uniformly the latter). It's a rat race and it's only for the sake of getting somewhere else that I'm willing to put up with it.

I really need to sleep more often.

I have work tonight and if there is the midnight show for Speed Racer that everyone's saying there will be, I'll personally go in a deliver a swift slap to the back of the head of anyone in the theater. Gah.

By the way, this was intended for elsewhere on the internets, but seeing as the blog I set up to move to was marked as spam and is under review...here we are.

New blog coming soon.

All That Is Left Is All I Hide

2008-04-29T15:32:00.002-04:00

It's my birthday. Hoorah! Not a particularly exciting day, but it'll pass. Besides, I'm 20 - nothing really fantastic other than no longer being a teenager and feeling just a little older because of that.

As you can see, I've be rather neglectful of this poor blog over the last month or so. Partly a lack of ideas, partly my renewed involvement with the world outside of work and class. Hell, I even took last weekend off to visit Hanna.

As such, I'm going to go on a temporary hiatus, a la the newly-returned Heather Funk. Temporary means that I do plan on coming back, and relatively soon. Poke your head in sometime during June to see what, if anything is up. Until then, I bid thee adieu.

I leave you with an odd moment from what was a pretty awesome weekend.

Words, Sans Wisdom

2008-04-23T01:14:00.003-04:00

My god.

It's been a week and I haven't updated. What's sadder is that I don't even have a life.

However, I got a nice little trip coming up this weekend.

I actually wrote some of the screenplay (I'll post that at my leisure).

I managed to keep my car in one piece.

I worked a grand total of 12 hours over the weekend.

My room is almost habitable.

Things are looking...better. Yep.

Alas, I am lamenting the the cancelled Decemberists' show a few months back. ALso, I re-obsessed over The Crane Wife. And I even found "The Perfect Crime #1".

It's not on the album for a reason. It's not bad...it's just not them.

I should be sleeping.

Workin' It - An Original Playlist

2008-04-16T21:13:00.005-04:00

I'll be honest. This month's mix sounds like a "Greatest Hits".

Colin: "We'll return you to Labradors and the Women Who Love Them shortly. But first, we have a wonderful collection we'd love to share with you: Songs of the Prostitute!"

And so on.

But really, prostitutes have been a bit of a staple of rock since they were allowed to sing about that stuff (this particular collection stretches all the way back to The Animals' 1962 hit, "House of the Rising Sun"). Narrowing it down to one list wasn't really easy - digging through blog lists, playlists, and SongMeanings.net for hours and days. But lo and behold, here it is, the grand list: Workin' It

1. The Animals - "House of the Rising Sun"
2. The Police - "Roxanne"
3. Ida Maria - "Stella"
4. David Lee Roth - "Just A Gigolo/Ain't Got Nobody"
5. Nick Gilder - "Hot Child In the City"
6. Spinal Tap - "Sex Farm"
7. Arctic Monkeys - "When the Sun Goes Down"
8. Queen - "Killer Queen"
9. AC/DC - "What Do You Do For Money Honey"
10. Funkadelic - "Cosmic Slop"
11. Tina Turner - "Private Dancer"
12. Patti LaBelle - "Lady Marmalade"
13. Blondie - "Call Me"
14. The Rolling Stones - "Honky Tonk Woman"
15. Sting - "Tomorrow We'll See"
16. Morrissey - "Piccadilly Palare"
17. The Decemberists - "On the Bus Mall"
18. Tom Waits - "Christmas Card From A Hooker in Minneapolis"

And as I am compelled to include, the bonus track.

MegaUpload
Rapidshare?
Mediafire?
probably not.

My Big Fat Lyrics Game (Part 1)

2008-04-14T21:57:00.000-04:00

If you've not played (you have), here's the deal: I have set out the first line from 25 songs by assorted artists - the frightening truth is that I was able to pull these from memory. Your job, if you so choose, is to name as many as your freakin' can.

1. "Joanna drove slowly into the city, the Hudson River all filled with snow"
2. "It's a shame about the road block"*
3. "It's been a long time, a long time, since I've seen you smile"
4. "Brian, top marks for not tryin'"
5. "A heart that's filled up like a landfill"
6. "I wanna be bigger, stronger, drive a faster car"*
7. "Spare me the suspense"
8. "Aw, here she comes, just a walk-, just a walkin' down the street"
9. "Blue jean baby, L.A. lady"
10. "Why everything that's supposed to be bad make me feel so good?"
11. "Drink up baby doll"
12. "My head is a box filled with nothing"
13. "Don't get upset, don't make a fool of yourself"*
14. "City's breakin' down on a camel's back"
15. "Adieu l'Émile je t'aimais bien"*
16. "There's a plane, and I am flying"
17. "They made a statue of us and they put it on a mountaintop"
18. "Sally was a 15-year-old girl from Nebraska"
19. "Trudging slowly over wet sand"
20. "On the lawn before the bouquet fell"*
21. "Gotta make the move to a town that's right for me"
22. "Germany was havin trouble, what a sad sad story"
23. "Your subtleties, they strangle me"
24. "Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking"
25. "Some people say I'm a no count, others say I'm no good"*

*Gold star lyrics. More obscure than the rest. I dare you to name them.

Another sporadic update?

2008-04-14T15:10:00.002-04:00

Another long weekend, a little more detailed, and I suppose heavy on network-friendly lessons on family.

Dad wound up in the hospital Saturday morning; nothing severe, just a nasty case of cellulitis and a fever. He got out this afternoon, a few hours ago and is home and doing well. Still, it throws a lot of other things for a loop. I visited him yesterday and he was pretty good. If anything, he was bored more than anything else. The only reason they kept him through this afternoon was for a few tests, which in a hospital that sees as much emergency action as Mt. Carmel (right in the heart of the Hilltop), can require quite a bit of waiting.

This also happened to be the weekend we decided to take on another room in our ongoing "Painting The Whole Damned House" project. The washer decided that after just under ten years of duty, it was time to fritz out. Lo and behold, we ordered a new one Thursday, with delivery set...for Saturday. Hospital or not, we got the thing home, and precariously perched on a wagon right before I left for work.

My manager woke me up Sunday at quarter after nine and wanted to know if I could open at ten. I love being dependable.

A typically busy Sunday, I got out around 3 and joined up for the aforementioned trip to the hospital.

And we still had a laundry room to finish.

I suppose tearing up floor, putting in new floor and moving the appliances back in isn't really harder than it sounds, but were still proud to have it done in, oh, about four hours (give or take a few breaks). Drinks were had, all were merry.

Weekend from hell? Hardly.

Studying? ....shit.

Listen Up! (A Serious Note)

2008-04-10T17:42:00.002-04:00

Nothing major of note, I just wanted to pass this along.

A woman was killed today here in Hilliard. She was a crossing guard at Scioto Darby Elementary; she was helping a couple of boys across the road when a dump truck came through the school zone without slowing down in time. She got one boy out of the way, the other wasn't as fortunate. Both the boy and the woman were hit; she died in the hospital about an hour later.

She had a name: Diane Sharp. I don't know who she was, other than she lived in the neighborhood near the school. The driver says he didn't see the school zone signs, nor the kids. Regardless, it's a pretty stark reminder that you gotta watch out there.

I used to go through that intersection almost daily about that same time of day when I was a senior; I still use it regularly anytime I head into that part of Hilliard. It's not necessarily the best place for a crosswalk, but it's there, and it's our responsibility to keep ourselves in check. I'm not the best driver, as my post last Thursday may attest; still, I just would like to remind you guys to be careful. Leaving that extra two minutes early honestly can help.

Just a thought on a tragic day.

Full story link here.

3 Days of Silence

2008-04-06T16:28:00.002-04:00

...because I have a life. Sort of. Does working for a business that will suck your soul one weekend at a time count?

Anyway, I have some news stemming from work: along with a few other people from Movie Tavern and elsewhere, I'm possibly taking to internet radio, with my very own show!

More details coming soon, once things get set. Be afraid.

Dismay in the Parking Garage (OR: The Day Ray's Bumper Fell Off)

2008-04-03T18:30:00.010-04:00

It was the end of yet another lovely day at Columbus State (i.e. a cold and blustery day in April). Yours truly was leaving from my spot in the parking garage, the warm fuzz of Blur's "No Distance Left to Run" when suddenly I hear a loud...something. Much to my horror, what sits on the ground a few feet in front of me but my own front bumper.

Yes.

A concrete support met the bit of my bumper that hung off the right side and ripped the whole kit and kaboodle off.

And for pure entertainment value, I give you pictures And yes, I drove the thing all the way down US 33 (Spring St./Dublin Rd./Riverside Dr.) with the bumper off. I think I scared a guy in Grandview when he looked over - I smiled, patted the bumper, and laughed as he backed waaaaaaay off.

Hey, I had to put it somewhere.

Me holding...er, something or other in my hand. This got rrrrrrrrrripped off the spot you saw in the last pic.

Thankfully, we have a nifty little body shop down the road, so we drive on down there. For fifty bucks, they put a few screws in to hold it in place. Seriously. Took an hour, it's already back in the driveway.

Look closely and you might see the paint marks, too.

Better view of the paint marks.

And the screw that's now holding it all in place.

So has this pretty mild ordeal taught me anything?

Probably not.

Posting: An MS Paint flowchart

2008-04-03T15:27:00.001-04:00

In Soviet Russia, You Rickroll YouTube

2008-04-01T02:19:00.004-04:00

Go to YouTube right now.

Click on any featured video.

And be amazed.

4Chan lives on, cancer and all.

No, it's defitely an insult

2008-03-28T01:24:00.005-04:00

"So, I'm gonna tell you something. It's gonna sound like an insult, but really it's a compliment."
"...okay."
"I thought your Facebook picture was pretty badass until I realized it was yours."
"What the hell?"
"I meant, look at it this way: I thought it was badass."
"Yeah, but that last part definitely makes it an insult. Period."
"Okay, you're right."
"You called me to say that, then?"
"Among other things."

I have such lovely friends.

My Invisible Screenplay: The solitary driving scene

2008-03-24T23:32:00.003-04:00

The majority of my really good song ideas (here meaning songs I can gank for the movie) tend to happen while I'm driving. It's generally the one place where I'm alone, awake and actively engaged in something other than taking notes. So this means that if I happened to burn a decent mixtape (yet another rather lame pursuit of mine), I often realize that a particular song fits in such and such a scene, and I go about formulating how such a scene might happen.

This happened a while back with "Ocean of Noise" by the Arcade Fire. The night was a rather rainy one, and I was driving back from someone's house (for the life of me, I can't remember if it was Matt or Jeff) and the song came on and seemed somber and moody and emotionally intrusive. I recalled a night way back in the day when I was coming home from...relations (no, not those) with a girl I really hadn't wanted to have anything to do with. I remember that almost immediate sense of...not regret, but cetainly a pensive debate (out loud, mind you, the car is also where i talk to myself the most, to the point I almost wanna buy a bluetooth to look like I'm on the phone...almost).

So, that scene began. I'm working on some kind of regret, as I need that first. I'm thinking that this ill-advised romance is a good street to head down, as I've got Simon written down with girl issues (namely, actually talking to them romantically). A get-together purely because he knows she's interested? I've got some nice stuff just by writing this paragraph...

Also, this will take up one of my maximum of two allotted car scenes. Rather pathetically, I've created this rule for myself; otherwise I will use driving scenes as a crutch.

TOPS WIN

2008-03-21T15:23:00.002-04:00

So as those of you following this year's tourney may know, Western Kentucky just beat Drake. In overtime. On a three point shot. At the buzzer.

Oh hell yes.

Work now, celebration in the car.

Go Tops.

UPDATE:

The video is already online. Imagine me, slightly hyperventilating, crouched in front of my TV, sister bitching at the ruckus I'm making...and this:

Hell yes.

Why is this thing even called "The Ritalin Set"?

2008-03-19T18:35:00.005-04:00

Well, I got my refills today. Also, the following conversation I had with Hanna last night on the phone:

Me: [starts singing "Greeback Dollar", which had been in Thank You For Smoking]
Hanna: [after five or so seconds] I can't believe you hadn't watched that movie yet.
Me: What movie, Hot Fuzz?
Hanna: ...noooo, Thank You For Smoking...you were singing that song five seconds ago.
Me: I was thinking about how I have to gas up tomorrow.
Hanna: Whah?
Me: Well, I sang the song, and thought, "I wanna listen to it in the car. Then I realized I have that on a CD, so I'll play it on my way to class tomorrow. Then I realized that I have to do some running, so I'll have to gas up."
Hanna: In five seconds?
Me: Yep.

See?

Hot Fuzz...Hot Fuss...THE LINK

2008-03-18T23:56:00.008-04:00

When I first watched Hot Fuzz a few months back, there was a scene in which Nick and Danny are in a shop, buying Cornetto ice cream. As Annette Roper asks them, "no luck finding the killers?", I swear I saw something awfully familiar...look carefully:

CIRCLED!

YES! The Killers' near-homonymly titled Hot Fuss! Right there!

Oddly enough, you can also hear Dire Straits' "Romeo and Juliet" in Simon Skinner's car as he drives past Martin and Eve's "accident." The Killers covered the exact same song later on during their session at Abbey Road (an almost superior cover, in my humble opinion).

My world is full of odd little coincidences today.

Another Monthly Playlist? Dammit. (OR: Original Content? In My Ritalin Set? NO WAI!)

2008-03-16T22:39:00.012-04:00

And so it's coming to be something of a tradition (and we know how well those usually do in the long run)

The following playlist stems from a conversation my dad and I had while watching a marathon of Cops and numerous car-chase shows:

Dad: "Idiots"
Me: "Rednecks?"
Dad: "Some of 'em."
Me: "That's what too much country music'll do to you."
Dad: "That or Kid Rock [note: my dad has never listened to Kid Rock and doesn't like him.]
Me: "Well, what do they listen to, anyway?"

and here is the result:

GETAWAY MUSIC!

1. Eels - "Souljacker, Part 1"
2. The Clash - "I Fought the Law"
3. Dwight Yokam - "Guitars and Cadillacs"
4. Billy Idol - Rebel Yell
5. The Offspring - "Staring at the Sun"
6. Steppenwulf - Born To Be Wild
7. We Are Scientists - "The Great Escape"
8. Editors - "Munich"
9. Judas Priest - "Breaking the Law"
10. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - "Runnin' Down the Dream"
11. Queen - "Headlong"
12. Guns 'n Roses - "Welcome to the Jungle"
13. Beastie Boys - "Sabotage"
14. Jay-Z - "99 Problems"
15. Jan Hammer - "Chase"
16. The Go! Team - "Junior Kickstart"
17. Nina Simone - "Sinnerman"
aaaaaand the bonus track. Naturally.

Here's you a link!

iTunes? Only if you feel like paying.

The Times

2008-03-12T21:45:00.005-04:00

~~A changin' indeed.~~

When I said changes were coming soon, I apparently decided ~~tonight would be just fine.~~ against it after looking at the site for five minutes.

We'll see how the lack of an archive will do...I think that's the one big problem I have, and I may revert back to the old style. Also, I probably left a lot of old links out in the cold - if you or a link you love was left behind in the change (and more than likely, it was), please let me know.No archive, no titles, and O FORBIDDEN FRUIT, no comments!

I'll be trolling for new, more Blogger-friendly layouts. Send any my way.

On a side note: tomorrow = breakfast quesadillas at Starliner Diner. Hells yeah.

My Invisible Screenplay: Introduction

2008-03-10T09:25:00.002-04:00

I figure it might not hurt to post some true original content here, so here goes nothing.

As the title indicates, I'm taking on the "struggling writer" shtick and attempting a screenplay; obviously, the key word there is attempt as I've never written anything of this scope before. I wrote a handful of sorta-screenplays way back in eighth grade, but those weren't all that great, and were eventually confiscated by censors (aka Mrs. VanKirk, my homeroom teacher).

So, the time has come to try again...okay, actually this seed got planted back in my junior year of high school, thanks to Mr. Long, everyone's favorite sub. Rather than actually teaching us stuff, he talked about the reason we all loved him: the fact he was Bill Long. Former Ohio State quarterback, ace substitute, and legitimately published author. He could have forged the one copy he carried around, but we didn't know any better (CONFIRMED on Barnes & Noble!). I decided I'd write a book.

The plot has evolved over the last few years, but I've settled on a theme, one that actually has more than just words to it, though I still haven't exactly fleshed it out. In my mind I've developed a main character who's become bored with the "learning phase" of his life and decides to call school quits. It's got some actual ideas to play with, even if it sounds like hippie shit.

I've managed to also skip light years ahead, pull a Zac Braff, and start scounting the soundtrack. I'll be honest, I may not have set it out, but this feels like a Garden State-style project in my mind, though I'm working on an arsenal of films with great compilation soundtracks to draw from.

I'll post more about the songs later on; part of the reason for this post is to open the project up, to let the three people who will actually read this pretend to see where I'm leading this. (Also, it's easy content). But I have a list that is, at the moment, 61 songs. More are sure to come, but I'm also planning on cutting out a few songs that don't really fit in.

Stay posted, and eventually, this lofty goal make actually become something serious.

BULLSHIT!

All right, you caught me.

Lazy-day (yet seemingly inspired!) blog posts?

That's more like it.

My Life As A Music Video: "The Moneymaker"

2008-03-03T11:23:00.003-05:00

Typically, you wouldn't associate Rilo Kiley with the uber-hipster sound - yes they're (formerly?) indie-rific, but "The Moneymaker", at least in my mind, has slicked-back, "too cool for my own damn good" vibe - in the most awesome way possible. So this morning, I happen to blast it on my way to campus. Pretend I'm not driving the station wagon, and it was pretty chill. I hit the freeway, shades flipped down, garbed in psuedo-hipster vintage (weekend thrift trip + first warm day of the year + concert tonight = Supathread Monday), the thump [beat] thump [beat] thump [beat] thump of the opening bass got me feelin' good. I roll onto 270, blissfully unaware of the mess that lay ahead.

As Seen on Hot Or Not - March 1, 2008

2008-03-01T01:27:00.002-05:00

This...I was almost tired before I saw this picture:

Reminds me of a certain supermarket tabloid superhero...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2008-02-27T00:02:00.002-05:00

StumbleUpon - the source of, like, half my funny - is currently being worked on.

Shit, you guys.

I got this before it went down, though:

A Ritalin Set LiveBlogging Event: Ohio Democratic Primary

2008-02-26T21:02:00.005-05:00

So this thing's at Cleveland State. I've been to Cleveland State once. It was rather disgusting. It reminds me of Columbus State with a self-induced air of credibility.

9:06 He's definitely not making eye contact with her.

9:07 Brian Williams just brought up the Drudge Report picture (that allegedly came from her campaign). Ah, how ironic that in the era he helped create, Matt Drudge is making a desperate "look-at-me" grasp at relevance.

9:12 I'll be honest; I love the man, but I stopped paying attention when Obama spoke. Hilary at least captures my divided attention.

This is still the opening remarks, I believe. Jesus.

9:16 We already had to enforce the invisible rules, Brian Williams? Fifteen minutes in.

Also, this delicious dish from Wonkette: 9:04 — First question, paraphrased: Hillary, do you consider calling Barack shameful and a liar very “valedictory”? Why are you still running against our favorite Kenyan potted plant?

9:19 Brian Williams isn't so much asking a question as testing her ability to balance viewpoints.

9:23 Also, she is coming off as rather defensive and bitchy on my end. That bit about always getting the first turn on questions didn't end up clicking the way I think she wanted it to. Poorly played.

9:25 I want someone - Nader, Ron Paul, hell, even Huckabee - to walk in and demand to be a part of this. That would be awesome. See Williams, Russert, and everyone else squirrrrrrrm.

9:28 Tim Russert just got Clinton to nearly take a position. If you mute your TVs, you can hear keyboards clicking across the country.

9:29 Obama just took the lead in the placedropping competition, three to two.

9:31 Russert's a coool guy; eh trolls for sound bytes and doesn't afraid of anything.

9:34 Why has no one countered Clinton's attacks on Obama's inexperience with the fact she was elected only four years before he? Granted, that's nearly an entire term, but neither is exactly seasoned.

9:36 Williams wants her to say he wouldn't be fit to be president. Just ask her, Brian. Come on, doooo it.

9:38 "Describe you thoughts on Obama's thoughts" "Well, one time, he gave a speech..."

9:43 Holy shit. A solid plan on Iraq? How scandalous.

9:45 Pakistan terrorists bombs bad guys whatever.

9:47 Brian Williams just pwned Hilary Clinton. "Television never stops." What a badass.

9:51 So apparently there's gonna be a rebroadcast on Telemundo at 11:35. This is at least...an amusing debate to watch. People have loosened up. OH MY GOD. THEY JUST PLAYED THE WRONG TAPE. And she's doing the laugh again. THE laugh.

9:55 I think Obama's commercial break pep talk was something like, "you're saying too many things; start saying words." Then, the first question back is on Obama's hyperbole.

9:57 When I go to Ohio, when I go to Cleveland, when I go to Parma, when I go to...Cleveland. STOP THE PLACEDROPPING.

9:58 SHUT UP AND ROLL THE VIDEOTAPE

9:59 What Barry's tryign to say is that she either was or was not co president at all times. And that's not cool.

10:03 Russert wants the damned tax returns. He probably faps to W2 forms.

10:08 He doesn't want to endorse Louis Farrakhan. But he stumbles on denying the support

10:09 Sermon preaching African Americans.

10:12 Your senate run? You gotta have something better than that.

10:14 BAFROOM BREAK GET SOME MUNCHIES

10:20 Obama makes an independent/Republican grab.

10:22 Russia is still evil. This is something we can all agree on. That, and it's funny to say "Putin".

10:26 If you'd been president then, your record says you would have voted for Iraq then. You voted then. You were wrong, certainly. BOMB THE KREMLIN.

10:27 BOMB DARFUR?

10:28 Regrets are for suckers. Wait.

10:29 Thank you, Barack. That is what I long for - public service. This is what these guys know.

10:31 And now come the McCain shots. Oh boy! Random thought - how much more journalistic ink will be lost in the extra capital letter in McCain's name? (None. Print media will be dead by 2011.)

10:33 I think Hilary wants Obama to be ....more vague?

10:36 Fin. I think we need a dark, arthouse ending to that one. Subtle European piano music.

Interesting debate - I'm afraid this may be the beginning of the end for the Clinton campaign. We'll see how Ohio pans out.

Get out and vote, people!

It's all about subtext

2008-02-25T10:53:00.002-05:00

My left ear just stopped buzzing about 15 minutes

2008-02-16T13:48:00.003-05:00

The Bravery, for all the crap the indie elitists give 'em, put on a pretty wicked show. I've seen and will seen better, but not for a lack of trying. They were pretty excited to be headlining their own show, and the opening acts were just happy to be on a real tour. The Newport helps. From the stage, you can pretty much see everyone's face, and that adds to the atmosphere.

We got in line about 45 minutes early out of lack of anything better to do, and that really paid off. We got up front, we were literally five feet away from the stage, totally worth the toll it took. Your Vegas, the openers, had a load of fun - the drummer actually took a picture mid-song at one point - and jammed around, loose. Switches was a little more formal, a little more experienced, definitely ready to get big (and they might yet).

But the big band on this tour, The Bravery, blew me away. They played like old pros, and considering this was their first headlining gig, that's something. Hell, Mike Hindert on bass even jumped into the crowd during the encore. Amazing stuff.

Reasons I'm Going To Hell: The Comeback

2008-02-12T02:22:00.000-05:00

According to this AP report, Siegfried and Roy are planning a possible one-night show for charity - a comeback.

The show's title hasn't been announced, but I'm voting for Siegried and R-OH MY GOD THE TIGER WILL KILL US all.

Kanye Does the Grammys 2008

2008-02-11T15:51:00.001-05:00

"Stronger" became one of the more divisive songs to hit the charts last year. Haterzz didn't like the fact he straight-up co-opted Daft Punk to get a hit. The narcissistic, cocksure lyrics didn't help. But the song itself was undeniably funky, epically memorable and...well, it was just cool.

Flash forward to last night. Kanye West opened the Grammys with a stlightly altered rendition. The Grammys are typically marked with canned performances that don't really do much of anything, lest they offend pretty much anyone. But Kanye pulled out a remarkably noticable show, complete with glowing shit! As epic as the Grammys get. And after watching the video to only the two-and-a-half mark on account of class, I was wishing for some Daft Punk, but they ever play in the states, amirite?

Check 2:40 for your daily portion of awesome.

On a side note...those glasses. Could I rock them? Also, some guy on the crew had the task of operating those, because they appear (and I could be wrong) to be wireless. Sweet.

Opening Trax: A Ray Lockman Mixtape

2008-02-10T23:46:00.000-05:00

In approximate order

Tally Hall - "Good Day" (Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum)
Patrick Wolf - "Overture" (The Magic Position)
The Smiths - "Rush And A Push And The Land Is Ours" - (Strangeways, Here We Come)
Beirut - "Elephant Gun" (Lon Gisland EP)
Bob Dylan - "Rainy Day Women #12 & 35" (Blonde on Blonde)
The Decemberists - "Shanty For the Aresthusa" (Her Majesty The Decemberists)
Blue Merle - "Burning In the Sun" (Burning In the Sun)
Franz Ferdinand - "Jacqueline" (Franz Ferdinand)
The Bravery "Believe" (The Sun and The Moon)
Death Cab For Cutie - "The New Year" (Transatlanticism)
U2 - "Where the Streets Have No Name" (The Joshua Tree)
Radiohead - "Everything In Its Right Place" (Kid A)
Gogol Bordello - "Sally" (Gypsy Punks Underground World Strike)
Five Iron Frenzy - "The Old West" (Upbeats and Beatdowns)
Pink Spiders - "Soft Smoke" (Teenage Graffiti)
No Doubt - "Spiderwebs" (Tragic Kingdom)
The Killers - "Jenny Was Friend Of Mine" (Hot Fuss)
The Prodigy - "Smack My Bitch Up" (The Fat of the Land)
Paul McCartney & Wings - "Band On the Run" (Band on the Run)
Iron & Wine - "On Your Wings" (Our Endless Numbered Days)
The Beach Boys - "Wouldn't It Be Nice" (Pet Sounds)
The Wallflowers - "One Headlight" (Bringing Down the Horse)
Coldplay - "Politik" (A Rush of Blood to the Head)
Aqualung - "Cinderella" (Memory Man)
Interpol - "Pioneer to the Falls" (Our Love To Admire)

And so it is.

Here is your Megaupload link.
More hosts at my leisure.

It's Official

2008-02-10T18:54:00.000-05:00

So I've decided that, after sifting through my Brazilian buddy Mari's Facebook albums, and despite her mugging story, I'm putting Carnaval in Rio on my list of Things To Do Before I Die.

The rest of the list to come, someday.

Excerpts From Supposed Notes - Feb. 6

2008-02-06T10:28:00.001-05:00

I was definitely riffing some monologues on the drive over this morning. I even came up with something fit for my movie that will never happen. Brilliant, though it ironically bashes the very idea of the movie I have in mind. Go fig - my Oscargrab bashes the movies.

I also came to the conclusion that I write and articulate better when I'm cranky, at least when I'm alone. This morning, I was as bitter as the lukewarm espresso I chucked a few minutes ago.

And...I started writing about the two concerts I hope to go to next week (Vampire Weekend and The Bravery) and, well...this came out:

If all goes well, I get to see two concerts in as many days with bands I actually like. First up is the theoretical Vampire Weekend concert that hinges on me not working Valentine's Day. Vampire Weekend has the vibe of a Club Med in Nairobi; a definite feel of Africa but with the comfortable, familiar trappings of its American origins - never overwhelming, so it feels exotic yet safe. Show's at the Wexner Center, which from all indications is a pretty neat-o venue in terms of acoustics. In exchange, however, it's basically equivalent of seeing a show at your high school auditorium.

The Bravery, on the other hand, rock out (rocks? I don't know if it's a singular or plural) with the subtlety of a latte with a shot of creme tossed in your lap [Note: I think the sudden upswing in coffee-type reference comes from my newfound espresso habit. Be afraid.]. It has some sort of substance to it, but it's lost amid the mess. Still, this is gonna be a pretty cool show, I've heard good things about them live. This one's at the Newport, that stalwart of Columbus rock - who outside Central Ohio knew there was one? I know full well I'll step out into a dank February night covered in a layer of stank and beer. Long live rock and roll.

That us what Pitchfork has done to me.

Badgerphone. Probably not Raffi-approved. Whatever.

2008-02-06T03:19:00.000-05:00

[click for outcome?]

Super Blog XLII.V

2008-02-03T19:58:00.003-05:00

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HALFTIME

8:00 - My dream halftime? Arctic Monkeys, Kanye West and a special appearance by Raffi, singing Bananaphone!

8:02 - "They're coming. They'll kill us all." What is it? BattleToads.

8:04 - Cool intro and all, but...must every Super Bowl halftime involve paid fans rushing the stage? I swears, summon's gonna keeled.

8:16 - That was pretty uneventful and unremarkable. Thank you NFL. I say bloggers lead a revolution to rig next year's halftime.

8:20 - OMG OMG THEY JUST USED ARCADE FIRE "NO CARS GO" IN THE TELECAST!!

8:23 - And now the stadium is blasting "Move Away". I'm a massive geek, I really am.

8:27 - Fighting for a dead ball? Come on doooods.

8:31 - WTF AGAIN? salesgenie.com is ridiculous.

8:34 - And Bud Light gives us their epic ad. Wow. These are freaking ridiculous. Give me the Pepsi dancing bears. What's tragic is that, as

8:36 - ALICE COOPER AND RICHARD SIMMONS FTW! Bridgestone is this year's winner.

8:43 - FOURTH DOWN OOHHHH MISS. Was there any particular point in that fourth day attempt? I understand the try, but that was a rather bad play call. This is a rather bland game. Not exactly the most memorable Super Bowl in recent memory.

8:45 - This is either a movie ad or vaccum cleaner ad. That, in a nutshell, is your typical Super Bowl ad. [Turns out it's an ad for the new Disney move Wall-E]

9:02 - Naturally, that was the perfect time to clean the house. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO But this has been the most boring Super Bowl in a while. Also, Shakira doesn't hold a candle to Marilyn Monroe. Or Madonna, for that matter.

9:05 - Stewie and Underdog balloons for Coke. This one looks pretty awesome. And the winner is...GODDAMMIT CHARLIE BROWN.

9:06 - LL Cook J hasn't been a celebrity since, like, 1997. Honestly, Fox.

9:08 - If everything announcers say is fact (and it is), can tight ends who catch passes do anything but rumble? We need to put that line away for a while, mmkay?

9:10 - And now, the Giants are becoming America's team. There's been a collective sense of, "Meh, I guess we should cheer for these guys" each of the last few years. It was the Colts last year, the Steelers the year before. Even Joe Buck has once again stopped pretending to be objective.

9:11 - And finally the Giants cash in on the great play they've shown all night.

9:16 - This blog is dying. I've got eleven football minutes to wring some life out of it.

9:20 - STOP WITH THE CREEPY BABY. He thinks a clown is creepy? You're a talking webcam baby. The hell?

9:22 - You know what we need more of? Mariachi bands. Every ad out there should have a mariachi band in it.

9:27 - Car companies need to calm the fuck down. It's A CAR. I'm \rather grumpy at this point, and it's suddenly become necessary for the trash to go out.

9:29 - Randy Moss has been reduced to only three catches. Reminds me of TO in the Super Bowl a few years ago.

9:30 - Sorry, temporary Giants fans. It's been a great show, but New England's gonna do what they've kept doing - find some insane way to win in the end. [in b4 FIX!]

9:39 - Brady looked calm and collected on that touchdown. Very Montana-like, though sadly, without John Candy. And Joe Buck is ready to eat Brady out.

9:41 - Has the impossible happened? Has the network (Fox, even!) forsaken sponsors for the sake of football? There were no ads before that kickoff. I suppose they've run out of ads, but still, good to seem them stay and actually show the game.

9:44 - Let's see how Eli can do with the biggest pressure he may ever face.

9:45 - oh. my god. My personal favorite thing about that Amp ad [jumper cables on the nipples] was the disclaimer discouraging you from following suit.

9:47 - No question the Giants should go for it here. No point in just giving them the ball with no fight. Here goes....

9:48 - HE GOT IT. Also, i just discovered that Homestar Runner did a halftime show...with Sloshy! Mental note made.

9:50 - The flip side of the possible game-winning drive - that interception would just as easily end the game.

9:51 - HOLY SHIT THAT WAS THE MOST AMAZING PLAY I'VE EVER SEEN HOW DID ELI MANNING MAKE IT OUT HOW DID TYREE CATCH IT?!

Whoever wins this game will do so out of fate. Period.

9:55 - Another near miss interception. Too many of these here. Nice play by Smith.

9:56 TOUCHDOWN GIANTS it's not over yet. New England has all three timeouts. This will take a while. Here goes...New England's got pressure pressure pressure...ooooh almost intercepted, kinda sorta. I'm really typing this as it all happens, and as my random, nonsensical ramblig all night has shown, it's going straight to my keyboard BRADY GOES DOWN CALL TIMEOUT CALL TIMEOUT YOU FOOLS wow.

Best end of a Super Bowl in a while. Ho-lee shit.

10:03

CHAOS ERUPTS ONE SECOND REMAINS ALL IS PANDEMONIUM GIANTS WIN GIANTS WIN

GIANTS WIN.

Sorry, Boston. 18-1 just doesn't sound quite as good.

I'll add postgame notes sometime later, but wow. That ending made the rest of the game almost bearable. Congrats, New York, and Pats fans - stfu.

That is all. Good night.

Super Blog XLII

2008-02-03T18:14:00.001-05:00

Just got home from work, so I missed the pregame stuff, so I'm mostly gonna comment on the rest of the game. At the moment, I'm figuring on people getting home during the game and probably eating, so you'll see it all. This is gonna end up being a look inside a Sunday night at the Lockman household as much as anything. We shall see what shapes up.

THE FIRST ANNUAL SUPER BOWL RUNNING BLOG

PREGAME
6:16 - ANESTHESIA ON. Not a lot of awesome looking ads on the horizon this year, though Bud Light's getting some buzz.

6:18 - Tom Brady, Patriot, warming up during the anthem? Uh oh. Also, I didn't know until just now who won American Idol. Is this a good thing? [y/n]. She's not a bad singer, this Sparks chick. Subtle, but strong, unlike so many people who sing it.

6:20 - Just kidding on that last part. Still, she didn't try to much shit, kept it under two minutes. She passes.

6:22 - They're hooooooooooooooome. They got Chinese. None for me. Que triste.

6:26 - What's irrelevant celebrity will help with the coin toss this year? Walter Payton? He's dea....oh, it's an award. Congrats to Jason Taylor for winning whatever he won. Okay, Bill Walsh's kids. It's gotta suck being Steve Young, because he'll always be Not Joe Montana. Joe Montana can't be here tonight because they didn't wanna pay him. What a rat.

6:28 - HOUSE STOLE THEIR PLOT TONIGHT FROM GREY'S ANATOMY. Don't ask me why I know that, I just do.

FIRST QUARTER
6:30 - Joe Buck said what we all think: "Finally. Football."

6:32 - My sister said it best: "If I were playing in the Super Bowl, I'd be running around like a chicken with its head cut off." That first play looked like it.

6:34 - So far Eli looks pretty good out there, nice and confident. Not a lot of running, despite what Aikman just said.

6:35 - First big play...converted! Two third downs already, maybe he's not the new Tim Couch.

6:36 - I just missed it but there was fire and beer. Whoa

6:37 - Is that...his hands!...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That just made my brain hurt.

6:40 - GETTHEBALLGETTHEBALL OOPS

6:42 - The Giants are just staying alive on third down after third down. So far, they're not throwing the deep ball and just working those short passes. Nothing over a few yards. Right there, the deep ball the Patriots are trying to stop almost got stopped. The Pats coulda killed some momentum right there. They might have anyway.

6:44 - Missed the third down. Nice job by the Pats by holding them when it matters. Neither team should be really happy with this drive. The Pats looked good, but not impressive, and the Giants stalled out.

6:45 - I half expect to see myself in Math 102 in this ad - Pepsi Max ad. Oh how far has Chris Kattan fallen?

6:46 - WTF salesgenie.com? That ad looked out of place during daylight. That is meant for one in the morning.

6:47 - Maroney had a pretty good return around there.

6:48 - Under Armour is pissing me off. Fuck off, you make undershirts. And shoes. KNOW YOUR ROLE, SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

SECOND QUARTER
6:57 - They just showed the Pats mascot before that play. Does anyone else think that thing looks like the Norseman from Freaks and Geeks?

6:59 - Bridgestone gives us Screaming Animals. I LMAO'd. Far funnier and more effective than Audi's similar - Bridgestone > Audi.

7:00 - The Fratellis once again get used for an ad. I can think of four now.

7:04 - Danica Patrick is so...OH MY GOD SHE'S NAKED?! CTRL+T CTRL+T CTRL+T CTRL+T CTRL+T CTRL+T CTRL+T CTRL+T CTRL+T CTRL+T CTRL+T CTRL+T CTRL+T

7:05 - The look Wes Welker just gave...priceless. Homelessness - sometime you can see it happen.

7:06 - These giant pigeons confuse me...a lot.

7:11 - Peyton Manning looks like an unhappy man. Priceless look-in there.

7:13 - There was no excuse for Steve Smith not catch that. Any ball that slips through your hands is a mistake. Right there.

7:15 - Iron Man marks the first two-star-esque movie I've gotten exited about in a long time.

7:18 - Face eating badgers? Promising...dammit, Toyota, you gave us what we wanted and still failed.

7:19 - George Clooney in a 20s football comedy? Yes.

7:21 - An interception and a near-miss fumble in two drives. Oh noes!

7:24 - Note to SoBe Life Water: WEIRD =/= COOL. On the plus side, the use of "Thriller" is revenge on Michael Jackson for using Beatles' songs in all those Nike ads. Bastard.

7:25 - Faux coverage blitz. I see what you did there. Also, I can tell Brady is in pain. I can tell by the pixels and by seein' a few winces in my time.

7:29 - YOU HAVE THE THIGHS OF A SHERPA. WE MAKE SANDWICH I AM MEAT.

7:33 - It's been an hour and the first half is nearly over.

7:35 - GETTHEBALLGETTHEBALLGETTHEBALL

7:37 - Eli officially looks like Eli Manning now.

7:38 - I would like to combine the Planters and the T-Mobile ad and have Charles Barkley chase after that pug-ugly chick.

7:42 - Combining Jackass and highbrow cinema does not make highbrow Jackass. It's a dude in a mouse costume beating a sucka.

7:45 - Brady is getting POUNDED tonight.

7: 52 - That Patriots fumble is huge mistake. That's seven, or at least three points that won't go on the board, and in a game like this, that's gonna come back. [/John Madden]

7:53 - That would-be hail mary would have been the coolest touchdown EVER.

Alright, I'm not gonna make this too long, so I'll split the second half off into a second post. You're welcome.

The New French Candian Freakout

2008-01-26T03:09:00.001-05:00

I have found the newest way to freak yourself out for free, thanks to The Arcade Fire's latest supercool interactive video.

Watch and listen, and leave only 5 and 6 listen to the song without the majority of instrumentation, only the background instruments.. Freaky shit, man.

Probably the best indie trip since prime Pixies.

Because It's Not Like I Pay Attention in Math

2008-01-23T10:13:00.000-05:00

Random thoughts scribbled between homework, notes and a quiz:

If Hot or Not required more honesty, I might include this profile:

My name's Ray, I'm 19 and I live in Columbus. If you so choose me, I'll woo you, romance you, leave you and break your heart. I'll do anything to make you laugh. Deep down, like all men, I'm afraid of commitment, but I'm willing to go a year or so, plus a couple of agonizingly awkward months after that. Hope you like me!

My Math 102 class is a relatively blah-looking bunch. Not particularly ugly, nor glamourous - somewhere on the bright side of fugly. "Token Hot Chick" is an eight, maybe. The amusing thing about her is that, at eight in the morning, most of the guys in the class don't realize they're staring at her all the way from the door to her seat across the room. Ever seen a roomful of guys visibly follow a girl?

I swear to god I remember saying this last night at dinner - in context, no less: "Mac McKerral [WKU's ace, all-world Journalism prof] is a sixty-something single man. If he gets pregnant, it's time to collectively doubt our belief in a real and loving God."

I'm pretty sure that CNN is actually calling Super Tuesday "Super Duper Tuesday" with no shame or self-conciousness. This is rather troubling.

I can smeel Cologne Boy's cologne from here (Note, this was written in the middle of the back row while he sits near the front corner).

Things To Do With Nothing To Do (Wherein Ray Creates a Supposed Meme)

2008-01-22T00:55:00.000-05:00

Alright, I'm outright thiefin' this one. I make no attempts to hide the fact, nor do I have any shame in doing so. But I Stumbled on this one a few days back and it's some good bullshit filler material, no?

Create a band and album!

How it works:
1. Click on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band. (If it's the entry for a real musician or band, cheating with a reload is probably a good idea. Also, don't include parenthesis)

2. Click on http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. Click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4. Throw them together in any way you want, but they must all be there.

Some random results:

I wanna see some good ones in my comments!

The Movie Poster Hottie Report

2008-01-20T22:48:00.001-05:00

One of the cool things about working in a movie theater is the movie posters lining the hallways. We get to see and chatter incessantly when we're not working about how much we can't wait to see such-and-such movie. Or how cool the posters look. And which ones we're taking (currently, 3:10 to Yuma, Beowulf, 30 Days of Night, and I Am Legend line my bedroom walls, though VeggieTales and Cloverfield might take over soon). Or how hot people look on the posters.

Current Movie Poster Hotties?

Ellen Page in Juno (pregnant or not, she's indie girl hot):

Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses:

And appearances by all three of the Holy Trinity of Babe.

Keira Knightley in Atonement:

And the reigning champion of hottie posters, landing a one-two punch is The Other Boleyn Girl, with both Scarlett Johansson AND an unbelievably hot hot Natalie Portman.

Surely more updates are yet to come.

Sharpie Art (OR: Relivin' the Dorm Days)

2008-01-15T00:47:00.000-05:00

Studying? Who needs to study with skillz like this:

If only I'd thought to screencap...

2008-01-13T21:58:00.000-05:00

Whilst checking Ticketmaster's website as I am often wont to do, I decided to look for tickets for The Bravery (who are coming to town in a month) in order to prove I am not in fact a machine, I had to enter a confirmation word. And what all-too-perfect word did Ticketmaster want?

"Oppress"

I LOL'd.

Rawr?

2008-01-09T23:29:00.000-05:00

Next Friday, twelve in the morning.

I'll be ready.

Read Between The (Party) Lines

2008-01-07T10:10:00.000-05:00

An interesting look at two very different takes on the exact same story. It goes to show how journalistic style is so crucial in the presentation of a story; the simple use of AP style punctuation and quoting changes perception.

It's all about the recent action three US ships took on five Iranian ships after the Iranians transmitted (And this is direct), "I am coming at you. You will explode in a couple of minutes."

From Fox News

WASHINGTON — Five Iranian Revolutionary Guard speedboats took threatening actions toward three U.S. Navy ships sailing in the Strait of Hormuz on Sunday, FOX News has confirmed.

The U.S. ships — a cruiser, a frigate and a destroyer — were passing through the strait en route to the Persian Gulf when they took defensive action to avoid striking the close by Iranian ships and armed their weapons, but neither side fired any shots.

The small Iranian boats reportedly came within 200 yards of the U.S. ships, and also threw boxes into the water ahead of the U.S. boats before speeding off. It could not immediately be determined what was in the boxes.

And from CNN:

(CNN) -- The U.S. military reported Monday on a "significant" confrontation involving five Iranian Revolutionary Guard boats that "harrassed and provoked" three U.S. naval ships in international waters over the weekend.

U.S. military officials said the incident occurred Saturday night in the Strait of Hormuz, a narrow shipping channel leading in and out of the Persian Gulf.

The five Iranian ships made "threatening" moves -- in one case coming within 200 yards of a U.S. ship, the U.S. officials said.

Things I Shouldn't Do At Movie Tavern: #92

2008-01-06T21:27:00.001-05:00

Teaching SA's derogatory Spanish phrases in the guise of helpful ones is not cool. Los cocineros no son folladores.

Beer and Cucumbers

2008-01-05T01:32:00.000-05:00

Movie Tavern won't be playing The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, the new VeggieTales movie. Why?

Apparently, Big Idea Productions doesn't care for the notion of parents getting drunk whilst their chillins' are absorbing a Biblical movie?

Smell that? [sniff]

2008-01-04T13:11:00.001-05:00

My internet smells terrific

Drawings: Paraplegic

2008-01-03T00:40:00.000-05:00

As Seen on Hot or Not - January 2, 2008 (courtesy of Hanna)

2008-01-02T03:38:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure which of these guys wins more at losing, but both add to amusing profile pics with surpassingly brilliant descriptions.

The Hot Topic tee may not give it away, but douchebaggery is sealed with this (I kid you not):

i'm here for sex and dirty web cam videos. if you cannot provide either one of those do not bother clicking yes.

Then, this dude.

all time party, love girls, love dance, love singing, perfumes, bikes... ping me to know more... waiting for you YES...

I shit you not.

Thanks to Hanna Goetz for the bravery to endure these terrifying profiles.

First Post of 2008!

2008-01-02T02:13:00.001-05:00

+

=

BROWNS CHOKE! (Again.)

2007-12-31T01:51:00.001-05:00

You know how I know I'm a masochist? I'm still a Browns fan.

All they had to do was beat Cincinnati last week. THAT WAS IT. The Bengals had injured themselves into mediocrity and were well reminded...

of the week two pasting...

shit.

This meant the Bengals were ready for payback, and it was oh so sweet.

So, we needed a week 17 victory against the 49ers AND a Titans loss.

We get the victory, despite the best efforts of Brady Quinn, who came in for an injured Derek Anderson. So, there was still hope.

Browns fans tend to view the term "hope" much the same way Cubs' fans do. We're so used to fate (not to mention our beloved team) shitting on our dreams that it's used in the same way sane people say "slim, sort of maybe kinda possibly a long shot."

Hope came in the form of a possible Titans' loss to the Colts?

Did I say the Colts? It's wasn't so much the Indianapolis Colts - think the Muncie Colts, Indy's JV team, lead by:

JIM SORGI!

Browns win, but it doesn't matter. Titans win, too, and we're left to lament yet again.

If Jamal can come back and Derek Anderson stays and doesn't get hurt, who knows?

Straight Edge and Scheming: The Zack Morris Story

2007-12-29T12:26:00.001-05:00

Zachary "Zack" Morris is a fictional character from the sitcoms Good Morning, Miss Bliss, Saved by the Bell, and Saved by the Bell: The College Years. He is portrayed by Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

And there it begins. Random fumbling around on the internet led me to...the Wikipedia article on Zack Morris. Saved By the Bell Zack. And I'm flat out scared by the level of seriousness that the article receives:

Zack displayed a natural tendency to resist peer pressure, turning down a joint from high-profile movie star Johnny Dakota at a Hollywood party. However, Zack (along with Lisa and Slater) did drink beer at a Toga party during senior year, and while driving home after the party, Zack crashed Lisa's mother's car. This traumatic event shook the gang into straight-edged abstinence, and apart from this incident there are no other recorded events of Zack abusing his body in any way.

Rod Parsley would be proud.

Another highlight is Zack's "numerous flames", a partial list that reveals how frighteningly likely the spread of STD's at Bayside High could have been; nineteen girls make the high school list, including the infamous Kelly Kapowski. Hell, Screech's cousin is described as "sexy, albeit adopted."

He did have some minor character flaws, it seems. In addition to the aforementioned beer incident, he also was involved in proposition betting and breaking the fourth wall.

For shame!

As Seen on Hot or Not - December 27, 2007

2007-12-28T01:03:00.000-05:00

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

On...what now?

2007-12-24T02:46:00.000-05:00

It's quarter of three on Christmas Eve. Naturally, I'm busy chatting up...

pantlessness?

It's a pretty natural state for us all, myself in particular. Anyone able to recall their glorious marching band days shed their modesty by their junior year or so.

"I was the one breaking in everyone and humping everyone randomly."

"we weirded out an 8 year old once"

"Unspeakable things happened underneath those raincoats."

Oh, and she kissed more girls on the band bus than I did. How pathetic.

Happy Caturday! 12.22

2007-12-22T02:05:00.000-05:00

The gift of downright creepy

2007-12-20T02:10:00.000-05:00

I will be spending the Christmas holiday in Poland in a tiny village that has one church with no bell because angry Germans stole it. Aside from vodka, there is not a lot for me to do.

Normally, that might signal the start of a string of highly depressing and ironically amusing blog entires. Instead, we get perhaps the greatest item ever sold on eBay:

Drive Someone Insane with Postcards

Through the power of eBay, the interwebs, and international postage, you can creep a friend or family member right the fuck out with the highest bid.

During the course of my holiday I will send three postcards to one person of your choosing.

These postcards will be rant-ravingly insane, yet they will be peppered with unmistakable personal details about the addressee. Details you will provide me.

The postcards will not be coherently signed, leaving your mark confused, guessing wildly, crying out in anguish.

"How do I know this person? And how does he know I had a ferret named Goliath?"

Your beloved friend or relative will try in vain to figure out who it is. Best of all, it can't possibly be you because you'll have the perfect alibi: you're not in Poland. You're home, wherever that is, doing whatever it is you do when not driving your friends loopy with international prankery.

Did I mention he mails them on two beautifully random postcards that have nothing to do with anything?

To add to the sheer confusion and genuine discomfort, one missive will be on an original promotional postcard announcing the 1995 television premiere of Central Park West on CBS.

Another will be a postcard celebrating Atlanta's disastrous hosting of the 1996 summer Olympic games.

The guy's almost too funny to be American. But it's New York, so he's just...creepy as fuck.

And totally awesome.

Anyone wanna lend me $250?

Asian Chicks + Skimpy Clothes + Soccer + Mud

2007-12-19T18:17:00.001-05:00

what do you get?

roffle

Jeff Hughes - A Real American Hero

2007-12-18T01:03:00.000-05:00

A man who doesn't like murder.

A man who will fight global warming, with guns.

A man who loves orphans and gives them candy and fireworks.

A man named Jeff Hughes.

Video is coming soon.

And Thus A Tradition is Born?

2007-12-16T03:01:00.000-05:00

It's Caturday!
(So what I'm a smidge late)

From now until I get bored with it, this shall become a once weekly deal. Makes an easy post.

Khakis Well in Hand

2007-12-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

I'm looking around at...sweater vests (yeah, my bad) and moving to look at jeans when an older lady, clearly doing Christmas shopping for a grandson or someone like that, asks me if I know where coats are.

"Er...I don't know"

"Oh, do you work here?"

"...no."

I definitely shop at Old Navy too much.

The Mitchell Report: A Ritalin Set Graphic Novel

2007-12-13T15:13:00.000-05:00

In ..."honor" of the newly released Mitchell Report (only you sports nurds will get what I'm talking about. Probably.), I decided to...play around with the names involved, or at least the big ones. So here we are, the Mitchell Report for those of us with no atte...PICTURES!!!!!

Shit, guys. Shit shit shit.

Oh shit, what happened?

LOL Murdocked! I busted yous.

Me too?

Yeah, sorry Kev.

Shit.

Sacre bleu!

What, Eric?

LE SHIT!

Guyz, I knew it, I told peeps already.

SHITSHITSHITSHIT

I tolds dem myself.

WhoTF R U?

David Naulty lol

STFU

Sorreh, guyz. What do you say Bud?

...

...

...

...

SHITSHITSHIT

As Seen on HOT or NOT - December 13, 2007

2007-12-13T01:25:00.000-05:00

"Aim low, kids. Aim so low you can't possibly fail."

Marge Simpson comes to mind with my latest find, the first I've posted in a while.

"...... i'm normal .. i'd like to meet normal people too .."

Guys, I think I might have a chance!

Idiocy (OR: Genius)

2007-12-12T12:05:00.000-05:00

So I've been stepping back into the December drama lately, and this year is not much different. But you're not here for serious shit, you came for mildly funny, mostly awkward attempted humor!

Last night, I came up with the following line, which is either entirely retarded or patently genius:

"I'm not your happy ending, but I can be your short story."

I don't think I'll ever drop it.

Random Joys: It's a Shark With A Gun

2007-12-11T23:09:00.000-05:00

Be prepared. The image you are about to see will come to you as it came to me: with no context to explain it, and completely unexpected. If you are like me, you will then proceed to roffle till you lamaow for a few minutes. You will calm down, see the image again, and explode with laughter.

Can you handle it?

Can you?

Bam shika bam shika boom boom boom

2007-12-11T00:15:00.000-05:00

Some of you who know me on Facebook may have read a note I posted last week in which I posed a game: Name The Opening Line. Basically, I wrote the opening line or lines from a song and my friends guessed the songs. It became a bit of a phenomenon around Facebook through the weekend, and I figured it'd work nicely here. Because you people are awesome.

First off: NO USING GOOGLE YOU BASTARDS.

These songs aren't quite shuffled. Instead, using iTunes and, of course, a paper notebook (I probably use more pencil and paper to blog than any other blogger alive - hell, I drafted this entry in notepad, formatting and all), I thought of songs that I can sing word for word, and even kept my Coldplay, Decemberists and Killers songs to a minimum. Anyway, I can't guarantee you'll know all of them, though I threw a few easy ones in for fun (Heather may even get a chance this time).

Commence.

1. "At first you were a dream but now you're a nightmare"
~~2. "Two jumps in a week, I bet you think you're pretty clever, don't you boy?"~~
~~3. "Who shot that arrow in your throat, who missed the crimson apple?"~~
4. "Trudging slowly over wet sand"
5. "Dance with me pretty boy tonight"
~~6. "I'd like to say hello and welcome you, good day that is my name"~~
7. "Pretty if the sun don't shine"
~~8. "I said 'who's that girl there?'"~~
9. "I thought I'd cry for you forever, but I couldn't, so I didn't"
10. "Poor old Johnny Ray"
~~11. "Any chimp can play human for a day"~~
~~12. "I went to a part last night, what sick things I saw"~~
13. "Gone, there is gold hidden deep in the ground"
~~14. "Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream"~~
~~15. "Far away, this ship has taken me far away"~~
~~16. "Where do we go, nobody knows"~~
17. "Jesus don't cry, you can rely on me honey"
~~18. "Find yourself a girl and settle down"~~
19. "The world beat you for the something nice"
~~20. "There is a house in New Orleans"~~
21. "Would you stop talking, because I don't think we agree"
22. "Bones are broken and the will is sunk"
~~23. "Well, we were shootin' at a mountain of dirt"~~
24. "Slip inside the eye of you mind"
25. "I've been really tryin', baby"
~~26. "Let it never be said that romance is dead"~~
27. "I got my head checked by a jumbo jet"
~~28. "She's out of luck and out of hope and out of cigarettes"~~
~~29. "There is a road that meets the road that goes to my house"~~
30. "Oh let the sun beat down upon my face"
31. "Darling you've got to let me know"
32. "What a drag it is, the shape I'm in"
33. "I'm bringin' back ghosts that are no longer there"
~~34. "When you first left me, I was wantin' more"~~
~~35. "Forgive, sounds good"~~
36. "Callin' me high on the telephone"
~~37. "Dear sir or madam can you read my book?"~~
~~38. "Are you gonna take me home tonight?"~~
39. "Please can you stop the noise I'm trying to get some rest"
40. "You don't have a clue what it is like to be next to you"
41. "What will you do when you get lonely?"
42. "They made up their minds, and they started packing"
~~43. "They're gonna clean up your looks with all the lies and the books"~~
44. "There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists"
~~45. "Remember the old, and get down"~~
46. "Oh no, I see a spider is tangled up with me"
47. "When there is trap set up for you in every corner of this town"
48. "I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole"
49. "Maybe I don't really wanna know how your garden grows"
~~50. "If I were young, I'd flee this town"~~
Bonus: Name the song the title comes from.

And there you have it. I can name any of these songs off the top of my head. I suppose that you might have a harder time, but give it a shot.

Winner gets candy.

Somewhere, the Founding Fathers are cringing. Or laughing their asses off.

2007-12-10T01:54:00.001-05:00

This may not be what the Second Amendment entailed, but dammit, we must protect this CP!

Beware Pedobear. Beware.

At play with Google Analytics

2007-12-10T00:59:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Heather Funk over at Tango Pirates & Absinthe and Hanna at You Are Not A Beautiful Or Unique Snowflake, I'm now checking you people and how you get here using Google Analytics. Any other bloggers are advised to follow suit - figure out what drives people to your site and all.

And be warned. I stole this idea outright from Heather.

Apparently, the people want Christmas music, and I gives them what they want. Nice to know I'm useful.

So what are people doing here?

Mostly, they aren't. I get a ton of Google searches, as will anyone. What is fun, though, is seeing which terms will yield your page in the results, and trying to figure out why someone would search for it.

"Pics of Ritalin" (1 visit)
"Quaid twins" (I don't think I gave them what they wanted)
"hot and not list 2008"(I guess I make it thanks to a mistyped title)
"crude pics" (I don't know how, I don't know why. Frankly, I don't want to.)
and my favorite, "need ritalin to write paper" (because facebook is too tempting?)

And so all...110 of you (A special thank you to the Ohio Marching Band for your help...even Tracy!), please come back. Tell your friends, tell your enemies, steal the keyboard of the kid next to you if you're in the computer lab right now and hijack their screen here. I even promise to spend a month blogging every day. And if you keep at it, I promise more crude pics.

Heh.

Inspired by ESPN's current front page pic...

2007-12-07T01:27:00.000-05:00

there might be a future in lolsports...

Je sais que tu prendras soin de mon ame

2007-11-30T09:11:00.000-05:00

Stupid decided to have a convention this morning, right there on I-70 East. Oh how I detest Columbus drivers.

I've been damn near obsessed for a few weeks now with an old French pop song. And I'm manning up and admitting it. "Le Moribond" by Jacques Brel (which I apparently make a funny face whilst saying) is just a gorgeous song, with lyrics to match:

Je veux qu'on rie
Je veux qu'on danse
Je veux qu'on s'amuse comme des fous
Je veux qu'on rie
Je veux qu'on danse
Quand c'est qu'on me mettra dans le trou

Roughly translated:

I want everyone to laugh
I want everyone to dance
I want everyone to party like a bunch of fools
I want everyone to laugh
I want everyone to dance
When they come to put me in my grave

Absolutely gorgeous.

What's sad is that I only discovered it thanks to this man:

Zach Condon, from the supercool band Beirut (shown here with the most supercool of instruments, the baritone). He covered the song at South by Southwest earlier this year in Austin, and put that performance on the Elephant Gun single - ie another one of my favorite songs of all time.

And of course, me being the music geek I am, I had to find the original version.

The rest is last.fm history.

Teh Dickage

2007-11-29T14:44:00.000-05:00

As written in a Facebook note by the Benjones:

Dick Cheney is having heart problems again He's had 4 heart attacks already, so I think that leave him with 3 horcruxes.

Zing.

Zing indeed, sir. Zing, indeed.

DINOSAUR THIEFIN'

2007-11-28T22:16:00.000-05:00

So Dinosaur Comics - a rather dashing daily webcomic from Canadian Ryan North - made me roffle my ass off today. If I weren't in the computer lab, I'd have roffled it clean off.

Click Pic to read it.

Supercool, Vol. 1

2007-11-28T13:20:00.000-05:00

Spiked hair? Check.
Aviator shades? Check
Hollister t-shirt and a sweet metro jacket? Check
Permanently attached bluetooth headset? Check

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the ubertool.

Random Joys: THE POWER TO MANIFEST WATER BWAHAHA

2007-11-27T17:32:00.000-05:00

Does anyone else, while in the shower, let the water flow down their arms and off their fingertips? It gives the greatest sense of superpowers.

Aquaman, eat my bubbles!

Reasons I'm Going to Hell: Dennis Quaid

2007-11-21T11:45:00.000-05:00

CNN: Dennis Quaid's Twins Given Overdose

Dennis Qauid's twins were accidentally given an overdose of blood thinner while in the hospital.

I want to make a Lindsay Lohan reference here. I so want to.

Reasons I'm Going to Hell: Spanish Class

2007-11-17T01:56:00.000-05:00

Preparing for a composition evaluation next week, my Spanish 101 professor was going over an example composition. Like a number of Spanish teachers do, he led with the start of the sentence, in this case, being "Me gusta...[I forget the rest.]" So he begins the English translation with a trailing, "I like...?" and while I kept my mouth shut, I couldn't stop my brain.

"Big butts and I cannot lie.."

I suppose I'm developing a knack for breaking into hip-hop songs at inopportune moments.

As Seen On Craig's List (Back to Posting Random Crap from Elsewhere On the Internet)

2007-11-12T23:44:00.000-05:00

You were on the sidewalk with a gaggle of your friends and you were all rushing toward the curb. I hit my brakes, afraid that you were going to run into the street, but you flashed me instead.

Never before have I believed in love at first sight. They were shapely and round and oh-so-generously proportioned, with smooth creamy skin, and they were proudly standing up with the resilience of youth. I immediately began thinking of all the things I could do with your breasts -- we could go for long walks together on misty mornings, have dinner in romantic restaurants, go for bike rides around the lake. I began to imagine a lifetime of waking up with your breasts in my face, continuing to love them as age and gravity inevitably take their toll.

I could write poems for your pom-poms, ditties for your titties. Eat your heart out Keats -- who needs a Grecian urn when I've got a pair of ice cream sundaes with cherries on top?

I'm almost certainly too old for you, but I think I could still have a meaningful relationship with your boobs.

'cause I know that side of me that wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and fly the whole mess into the sea

2007-11-07T21:16:00.000-05:00

I'm leaving for Bowling Green, Kentucky, on Friday, and I need tuneskis for the
six-hour (each way) drive. So what is a music nurd like me to do?

MIXTAPE!

Yes, yet another mixtape. This one's a spot of pride considering I literally started on it last night.

THE TRACKS:
1. Golden Earring, "Radar Love"
2. Peter Bjorn and John, "Young Folks"
3. Dave Matthews Band, "Ants Marching"
4. Islands, "Rough Gem"
5. a-ha, "Take On Me"
6. Wolfmother, "Joker & the Thief"
7. The Subways, "Oh Yeah"
8. The Killers, "Change Your Mind"
9. OK Go, "Don't Ask Me"
10. Hot Hot Heat, "Goodnight Goodnight"
11. Babyshambles, "I Wish"
12. The Shins, "Young Pilgrims"
13. Gogol Bordello, "Wonderlust King"
14. New Radicals, "You Get What You Give"
15. Cary Brothers, "Ride"
16. The Wallflowers, "One Headlight"
17. Whitey, "Non Stop"
18. The Police, "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"
19. Eels, "Fresh Feeling"
20. Gordon Lightfoot, "The List"
21. Jack Johnson, "Constellations"

And last, but not least:

The Link

I-65 will never be the same.

Also in the works:

Christmas 2007 Mix (also, the 06 Mix will be re-upped for nostalgia's sake)
Summer Mix 2 (because in hindsight, the first one kind of sucked)
and a bunch of schweet covers and stuff like that.

Reasons I'm Going To Hell: Wheelchair

2007-11-05T22:36:00.000-05:00

I couldn't help it, I swear.

Every now and then, in front of the Kroger on Hilliard-Rome Road, you'll see some of the old folks from the surrounding apartments out and about. One of them was crossing the street in her motorized wheelchair and I had to:

"They see me rollin', they hatin'..."

Euros on Crack Revisited

2007-11-01T21:43:00.000-04:00

So some of you who read this blog early on may very well remember the post I wrote back in...wow, it was in June. I wrote about the weirdness that was, and is, Eurovision (Read it here). Well, contest favorite Verka Serduchka keeps on keeping on, and that infectious little diddy? It's been remixed about a bajillion times. The below is amazing and hilarious and all sorts of things. In closing, it is what happens when European people on crack are remixed by other European people on crack.

NOOOOOOOOO

2007-11-01T18:25:00.000-04:00

Adored Mailing List Recipients,

With much regret The Decemberists have cancelled the remainder of "The Long and Short of It" tour.

One of our band members has been ill for a while but we thought all would be well in time for these tour dates. After a couple shows, though, it has become clear that the illness is much worse than we had initially realized. We need to return home so our friend can mend.

It saddens us to disappoint our fans. We hope everybody understands it is only because of an extreme situation that we had to cancel a tour we've all been excited about doing since the idea was originally hatched.

Our deepest apologies but at this time no plans are being made to reschedule the dates. Ticket holders should seek refunds at point of purchase.

Yours,

The Decemberists

And indie kids across this great nation let out a collective "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

Yep, The Decemberists have canceled the rest of their tour, including the stop here in C-Bus.

Upon Further Review

2007-10-27T03:00:00.000-04:00

In hindsight, the last post was a waste of your time. That is, if you even read it.

And this is sleepy Ray, a very poor evaluator of quality. Usually, this is the state that causes me to review my own work later. Sad, really.

Bloggin' downtown.

2007-10-26T12:51:00.002-04:00

Okay, with a view of downtown. If I had a cellphone...well, the money to use the cellphone with, I'd post a pic of the lovely view. Alas, I'm stuck here in English 101, waiting to turn in a paper that's probably not complete, as well as a reaction paper only a true bullshitter like myself could enjoy. Also, I'm nodding off at perhaps inopprotune moments.

Like sitting up in science, whilst the professor is going over the lab. I wilt like a flower in heat.

Or eating lunch. Nothin is quite as embarassing as going narco with a slice of mini pizza in hand.

That, and I have "Henry VIII, I Am" stuck in my head.

I'm Hen-a-ry the eighth I am...

I'm also analyzing the lyrics. Think about it: if you're this Henry dude, why in hell are you marrying her? Not only has she been married secen times before, but every one was a Henry. She wouldn't have a Willie or a Sam? I don't think it's you she lusts after, amigo. I think it's your...name. How sad.

So I'll admit, I do aim to get it stuck in your head. And if you know the song, it should be blaring by now..

I'm Hen-a-ry the eighth I am...

Heh.

Oh, to be a dude tonight.

2007-10-25T19:36:00.000-04:00

#2 Boston College @ #8 Virginia Tech. An amazing game at one of college football's best stadiums. At night. Boom.

World Series, game 2: Colorado @ Boston. Perhaps the series-maker or breaker for the Rockies. Woot.

And the season premiere of Scrubs, a dramadey that men can actually get behind.

Testosterone, ho!

It's coming...

2007-10-25T16:15:00.000-04:00

Photo from Flickr user TIO.

Yeah, I secretly love being horribly ambiguous about this, but yeah, it is coming. You could very well guess or even know exactly what it is if you've read my other blogs (ie MySpace) or actually talk to me, but all I've got left to say about this is...no. Nothing more. I almost gave it away there.

Anyway, I'm sorry about the lack of updates for all zero of my loyal readers out there, I swear, I've been writing funny stuff. Or at least...eh, I've been writing. I even had a pretty decent running diary of last Monday going, but my dog ruined my notes. Seriously. How ironic, the dog messing up what I should have done instead of schoolwork.

Anyway, more posting to come. I swears.

Riddle me this: WHY DOES A 10 YEAR OLD NEED A CELL PHONE?!

Success (OR: Surely one step closer to 2012)

2007-10-09T13:11:00.000-04:00

Losing My Credibility As A Mature Sportswriter (Before I Really Even Get Started)

2007-10-08T20:32:00.000-04:00

Tonight's starting pitcher for the Yankees? Chen-Ming Wang (a former Clipper, I might add).

To give what I am about to tell you some credit, tonight's is a must-win game for the Yankees, and even more so for their manager, Joe Torre - if they lose, their season is over, and Torre's probably a goner. (and as of now, Wang - pronounced "Wong" - has been pulled. pity).

Anyway, I'm going to lose some legitimacy here, but I couldn't help but notice the ESPN.com headline:

Torre confident in Wang.

Just giggle, dammit.

Storytime

2007-10-04T00:49:00.000-04:00

Once, there was a little frog, sitting by the river. A scorpion comes along, and asks the frog for some help.

"What do you want me to do," asked the frog.

The scorpion asked the frog to carry him across the river.

"But you are a scorpion, and you sting things by your nature."

"Well, I cannot deny that," admitted the scorpion.

"Still, I propose a deal," said the frog. "I'll carry you across the river and you must promise not to sting me."

"It is a deal."

The scorpion climbed onto the frog's back, and they set out across the river. They made it about halfway when the scorpion suddenly stung the frog.

"Why would you do something so foolish?" asked the frog. "Now we shall both die."

The moral: Scorpions are jerks.

Radiohead to Record execs:

2007-10-03T12:50:00.000-04:00

YOU ARE ALL FUCKED.

Have a nice day.

A Ray Lockman original drawring

2007-10-02T23:25:00.000-04:00

Darby Pride

2007-09-27T23:21:00.000-04:00

destuffed.

Facebook'd - September 27, 2007

2007-09-27T18:37:00.001-04:00

Color-printed clips portfolio--$5
Dress sandals--$25
Cute and snazzy little business suit and pearls--$45
Large iced coffee chugged while hauling ass uphill--$3
Showing up to your job interview a month early--priceless.

Christina Allen...staying true to form.

2007-09-25T19:01:00.000-04:00

And so at last the beast fell and the unbelievers rejoiced. But all was not lost, for from the ash rose a great bird. The bird gazed down upon the unbelievers and cast fire and thunder upon them. For the beast had been reborn with its strength renewed, and the followers of Mammon cowered in horror.

from The Book of Mozilla, 7:15

Weird, eh? For those of you using Firefox (and that should be all of you), check out about:Mozilla and be weirded the fuck out.

Kollege

2007-09-21T00:50:00.000-04:00

So at some point I'm going to post the actual notes I took my first day of class so you can see I'm really like this in real life.

Thank You, Brothers Chaps

2007-09-17T19:56:00.000-04:00

I've just realized why Elise and I didn't work out:

She was a Limozeen girl, but I'm a Sloshy boy.

Now, we can all pretend it's as simple (and as lame) as that.

All You Ever Need To Know About Ray's Summer

2007-09-13T00:10:00.000-04:00

Revelation1X5: drooooooooool...
StoogeontheLoose: did you ever see the giant wooden spoon?
Revelation1X5: ... i dont believe so...
StoogeontheLoose: well, it's a giant...wooden...spoon.
StoogeontheLoose: i'm running around, blasting my stereo
StoogeontheLoose: using it as an air guitar
StoogeontheLoose: sadly, i've done this a lot this summer

That is why school starting in a week is a good thing.

All You Ever Needed to Know About Indie Rock

2007-09-10T23:47:00.000-04:00

In handy Venn Diagram form:

It's [insert time here] and Michigan still sucks.

2007-09-08T18:55:00.000-04:00

As those of you who follow sports may be aware, the University of Michigan's football team (a detested rival of my favorite Ohio State Buckeyes) is about to fall to Oregon, the score currently 39-7. This comes one week after they fell at home to Appalachian State. While today's game is a historic upset in the way App State was, it still drops the Wolverines to 0-2 for the season. This is probably more cause for celebration here in Columbus than Ohio State's two ho-hum victories over Youngstown State and Akron.

That being said, Matt Caracciolo and I have figured out what happened to Michigan's team. It lies in a mundane kids movie starring the greatest basketball player who ever lived: Space Jam, featuring Michael Jordan.

For those unfamiliar with the plot (which I assume is all of you), Mr. Swackhammer (voiced by Danny DeVito) is the owner of Moron Mountain (not to be confused with Ann Arbor), a failing amusement park on another planet. He decides that in order to save the park, he'll capture the Looney Toons and enslave them on his planet (eerily similar to Manny Fernandez's plan for the former Wyandot Lake).

The Looney Toons, when combated by Swackhammers Nerdlucks (shown here), offer up a basketball game for their souls...er...services. Whatever.

The Nerdulucks, who as you can see are not all that big (smaller, in fact, than Mr. DeVito), steal the abilities of some of the NBA's all-time greats, including Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, and...er...Mugsey Bogues. Yeah.

Anyway, the rest of the plot doesn't matter, really, because I've gotten to the part of it I need: those talent-stealing nerdlucks.

I've theorized that somehow, a few of them managed to get into Michigan's locker room before the Appalachian State game. It's the only way to explain how Chad Henne has magically turned into the new Steve Bellasari. Worse, even.

Jim Tressel is unavailable for comment.

You know you wanna play it.

2007-09-05T00:18:00.000-04:00

Jeff Hughes, Matt Caracciolo, and Hanna Goetz star in the biggest game to date:

Pelt Ray's Friends on the Beach ROFLMAO

Other games

Build your own games

Not Related to Second-Grade Calvin

2007-09-04T02:59:00.000-04:00

The Unofficially Official Rules of Calvinball

1.1. All players must wear a Calvinball mask (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.1). No one questions the masks.

*IMPORTANT -- The following rules are subject to be changed, amended, or deleted by any player(s) involved.

1.2 Any player may declare a new rule at any point in the game. The player may do this audibly or silently depending on what zone (Refer to Rule 1.5) the player is in.

1.3. A player may use the Calvinball (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.2)in any way the player see fits, whether it be to incur injury upon other players or to gain benefits for himself.

1.4. Any penalty legislation may be in the form of pain, embarassment, or any degradation the rulee wishes to execute upon the other player.

1.5 The Calvinball Field (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.3) should consist of areas, or zones, which are governed by a set of rules declared by players. Zones may be appear and disappear as often and wherever the player decides. For example, a corollary zone would enable a player to make a corollary (sub-rule) to any rule already made. Or a pernicious poem place would require the intruder to do what the name implies. Or an opposite zone would enable a player to declare reverse playibility on the others. (Remember, the player would declare this zone oppositely by not declaring it.)

1.6 Flags (Calvinball Equipment 2.3) shall be named by players whom shall also assign the power and rules which shall govern that flag.

1.7 Songs are an integral part of Calvinball and verses must be sung spontaneously through the game when randomly assigned events occur.

1.8 Score may be kept or disregarded. In the event that score is kept, it shall have no bearing on the game nor shall it have any logical consistency to it. (Legal scores include 'Q to 12', 'BW-109 to YU-34, and 'Nosebleed to Pelvic Fracture'.)

1.9 Any rule above that is carried out during the course of the game may never be used again in the event that it causes the same result as a previous game. Calvinball games may never be played the same way twice.

Calvinball Equipment

2.1. Mask - All participants are required to wear a mask.

2.2. Calvinball - A Calvinball may be a soccerball, volleyball, or any other reasonable ball.

2.3 Calvinball Field - The Calvinball Field should be any well-sized field, preferably with trees, rocks, grass, creeks, and other natural obstacles.

2.4 Miscellaneous - Other optional equipment include flags, wickets (especially of the time-fracture variety), and anything else the players wish to include.

People...I'm set on getting a game of this going. We need a place (I've got a few in mind), and people...come on. Running around, shouting, insulting, random rule-making, impromptu song...what more do you want?

A True Story!

2007-09-03T00:45:00.000-04:00

Remember that kid in second grade, Calvin?

Remember how he always had to answer before you in class? How he always teamed up with your friend Josh before you could get to Josh?

Remember when he was on the same soccer team as you? He never passed you the ball. Not when he was dogged by five other 7-year-olds. Not when you were three feet away. NOT EVEN WHEN YOU WERE WIDE OPEN AND PRETTY MUCH STANDING IN FRONT OF THE FREAKING GOAL.

Remember the dinosaur diorama? All he had to do was make a brontosaurus and a pachycephalosaurus (still my favorite dinosaur...so I had to wiki the spelling I can still pronounce it with each...Packeesefaluhsaurus!) and he couldn't freaking do it. Freeloading bastard.

Fine. You probably got along with people in second grade. I wrote stories about the sun sinking and killing people. And Barry Sanders.

I was weird.