It's all about subtext

Badgerphone. Probably not Raffi-approved. Whatever.

[click for outcome?]

The New French Candian Freakout

I have found the newest way to freak yourself out for free, thanks to The Arcade Fire's latest supercool interactive video.

Watch and listen, and leave only 5 and 6 listen to the song without the majority of instrumentation, only the background instruments.. Freaky shit, man.

Probably the best indie trip since prime Pixies.

Smell that? [sniff]

My internet smells terrific

Straight Edge and Scheming: The Zack Morris Story

Zachary "Zack" Morris is a fictional character from the sitcoms Good Morning, Miss Bliss, Saved by the Bell, and Saved by the Bell: The College Years. He is portrayed by Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

And there it begins. Random fumbling around on the internet led me to...the Wikipedia article on Zack Morris. Saved By the Bell Zack. And I'm flat out scared by the level of seriousness that the article receives:

Zack displayed a natural tendency to resist peer pressure, turning down a joint from high-profile movie star Johnny Dakota at a Hollywood party. However, Zack (along with Lisa and Slater) did drink beer at a Toga party during senior year, and while driving home after the party, Zack crashed Lisa's mother's car. This traumatic event shook the gang into straight-edged abstinence, and apart from this incident there are no other recorded events of Zack abusing his body in any way.

Rod Parsley would be proud.

Another highlight is Zack's "numerous flames", a partial list that reveals how frighteningly likely the spread of STD's at Bayside High could have been; nineteen girls make the high school list, including the infamous Kelly Kapowski. Hell, Screech's cousin is described as "sexy, albeit adopted."

He did have some minor character flaws, it seems. In addition to the aforementioned beer incident, he also was involved in proposition betting and breaking the fourth wall.

For shame!

The gift of downright creepy

I will be spending the Christmas holiday in Poland in a tiny village that has one church with no bell because angry Germans stole it. Aside from vodka, there is not a lot for me to do.

Normally, that might signal the start of a string of highly depressing and ironically amusing blog entires. Instead, we get perhaps the greatest item ever sold on eBay:

Drive Someone Insane with Postcards

Through the power of eBay, the interwebs, and international postage, you can creep a friend or family member right the fuck out with the highest bid.

During the course of my holiday I will send three postcards to one person of your choosing.

These postcards will be rant-ravingly insane, yet they will be peppered with unmistakable personal details about the addressee. Details you will provide me.

The postcards will not be coherently signed, leaving your mark confused, guessing wildly, crying out in anguish.

"How do I know this person? And how does he know I had a ferret named Goliath?"

Your beloved friend or relative will try in vain to figure out who it is. Best of all, it can't possibly be you because you'll have the perfect alibi: you're not in Poland. You're home, wherever that is, doing whatever it is you do when not driving your friends loopy with international prankery.

Did I mention he mails them on two beautifully random postcards that have nothing to do with anything?

To add to the sheer confusion and genuine discomfort, one missive will be on an original promotional postcard announcing the 1995 television premiere of Central Park West on CBS.

Another will be a postcard celebrating Atlanta's disastrous hosting of the 1996 summer Olympic games.

The guy's almost too funny to be American. But it's New York, so he's just...creepy as fuck.

And totally awesome.

Anyone wanna lend me $250?

Random Joys: It's a Shark With A Gun

Be prepared. The image you are about to see will come to you as it came to me: with no context to explain it, and completely unexpected. If you are like me, you will then proceed to roffle till you lamaow for a few minutes. You will calm down, see the image again, and explode with laughter.

Can you handle it?

Can you?

As Seen On Craig's List (Back to Posting Random Crap from Elsewhere On the Internet)

You were on the sidewalk with a gaggle of your friends and you were all rushing toward the curb. I hit my brakes, afraid that you were going to run into the street, but you flashed me instead.

Never before have I believed in love at first sight. They were shapely and round and oh-so-generously proportioned, with smooth creamy skin, and they were proudly standing up with the resilience of youth. I immediately began thinking of all the things I could do with your breasts -- we could go for long walks together on misty mornings, have dinner in romantic restaurants, go for bike rides around the lake. I began to imagine a lifetime of waking up with your breasts in my face, continuing to love them as age and gravity inevitably take their toll.

I could write poems for your pom-poms, ditties for your titties. Eat your heart out Keats -- who needs a Grecian urn when I've got a pair of ice cream sundaes with cherries on top?

I'm almost certainly too old for you, but I think I could still have a meaningful relationship with your boobs.

Losing My Credibility As A Mature Sportswriter (Before I Really Even Get Started)

Tonight's starting pitcher for the Yankees? Chen-Ming Wang (a former Clipper, I might add).

To give what I am about to tell you some credit, tonight's is a must-win game for the Yankees, and even more so for their manager, Joe Torre - if they lose, their season is over, and Torre's probably a goner. (and as of now, Wang - pronounced "Wong" - has been pulled. pity).

Anyway, I'm going to lose some legitimacy here, but I couldn't help but notice the ESPN.com headline:

Torre confident in Wang.

Just giggle, dammit.