It's [insert time here] and Michigan still sucks.

As those of you who follow sports may be aware, the University of Michigan's football team (a detested rival of my favorite Ohio State Buckeyes) is about to fall to Oregon, the score currently 39-7. This comes one week after they fell at home to Appalachian State. While today's game is a historic upset in the way App State was, it still drops the Wolverines to 0-2 for the season. This is probably more cause for celebration here in Columbus than Ohio State's two ho-hum victories over Youngstown State and Akron.

That being said, Matt Caracciolo and I have figured out what happened to Michigan's team. It lies in a mundane kids movie starring the greatest basketball player who ever lived: Space Jam, featuring Michael Jordan.

For those unfamiliar with the plot (which I assume is all of you), Mr. Swackhammer (voiced by Danny DeVito) is the owner of Moron Mountain (not to be confused with Ann Arbor), a failing amusement park on another planet. He decides that in order to save the park, he'll capture the Looney Toons and enslave them on his planet (eerily similar to Manny Fernandez's plan for the former Wyandot Lake).

The Looney Toons, when combated by Swackhammers Nerdlucks (shown here), offer up a basketball game for their souls...er...services. Whatever.

The Nerdulucks, who as you can see are not all that big (smaller, in fact, than Mr. DeVito), steal the abilities of some of the NBA's all-time greats, including Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, and...er...Mugsey Bogues. Yeah.

Anyway, the rest of the plot doesn't matter, really, because I've gotten to the part of it I need: those talent-stealing nerdlucks.

I've theorized that somehow, a few of them managed to get into Michigan's locker room before the Appalachian State game. It's the only way to explain how Chad Henne has magically turned into the new Steve Bellasari. Worse, even.

Jim Tressel is unavailable for comment.