BROWNS CHOKE! (Again.)

You know how I know I'm a masochist? I'm still a Browns fan.

All they had to do was beat Cincinnati last week. THAT WAS IT. The Bengals had injured themselves into mediocrity and were well reminded...



of the week two pasting...



shit.

This meant the Bengals were ready for payback, and it was oh so sweet.

So, we needed a week 17 victory against the 49ers AND a Titans loss.

We get the victory, despite the best efforts of Brady Quinn, who came in for an injured Derek Anderson. So, there was still hope.

Browns fans tend to view the term "hope" much the same way Cubs' fans do. We're so used to fate (not to mention our beloved team) shitting on our dreams that it's used in the same way sane people say "slim, sort of maybe kinda possibly a long shot."

Hope came in the form of a possible Titans' loss to the Colts?

Did I say the Colts? It's wasn't so much the Indianapolis Colts - think the Muncie Colts, Indy's JV team, lead by:



JIM SORGI!

Browns win, but it doesn't matter. Titans win, too, and we're left to lament yet again.

If Jamal can come back and Derek Anderson stays and doesn't get hurt, who knows?

Straight Edge and Scheming: The Zack Morris Story

Zachary "Zack" Morris is a fictional character from the sitcoms Good Morning, Miss Bliss, Saved by the Bell, and Saved by the Bell: The College Years. He is portrayed by Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

And there it begins. Random fumbling around on the internet led me to...the Wikipedia article on Zack Morris. Saved By the Bell Zack. And I'm flat out scared by the level of seriousness that the article receives:

Zack displayed a natural tendency to resist peer pressure, turning down a joint from high-profile movie star Johnny Dakota at a Hollywood party. However, Zack (along with Lisa and Slater) did drink beer at a Toga party during senior year, and while driving home after the party, Zack crashed Lisa's mother's car. This traumatic event shook the gang into straight-edged abstinence, and apart from this incident there are no other recorded events of Zack abusing his body in any way.

Rod Parsley would be proud.

Another highlight is Zack's "numerous flames", a partial list that reveals how frighteningly likely the spread of STD's at Bayside High could have been; nineteen girls make the high school list, including the infamous Kelly Kapowski. Hell, Screech's cousin is described as "sexy, albeit adopted."

He did have some minor character flaws, it seems. In addition to the aforementioned beer incident, he also was involved in proposition betting and breaking the fourth wall.

For shame!

As Seen on Hot or Not - December 27, 2007

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

On...what now?

It's quarter of three on Christmas Eve. Naturally, I'm busy chatting up...

pantlessness?

It's a pretty natural state for us all, myself in particular. Anyone able to recall their glorious marching band days shed their modesty by their junior year or so.

"I was the one breaking in everyone and humping everyone randomly."

"we weirded out an 8 year old once"

"Unspeakable things happened underneath those raincoats."

Oh, and she kissed more girls on the band bus than I did. How pathetic.

Happy Caturday! 12.22

The gift of downright creepy

I will be spending the Christmas holiday in Poland in a tiny village that has one church with no bell because angry Germans stole it. Aside from vodka, there is not a lot for me to do.

Normally, that might signal the start of a string of highly depressing and ironically amusing blog entires. Instead, we get perhaps the greatest item ever sold on eBay:

Drive Someone Insane with Postcards

Through the power of eBay, the interwebs, and international postage, you can creep a friend or family member right the fuck out with the highest bid.

During the course of my holiday I will send three postcards to one person of your choosing.

These postcards will be rant-ravingly insane, yet they will be peppered with unmistakable personal details about the addressee. Details you will provide me.

The postcards will not be coherently signed, leaving your mark confused, guessing wildly, crying out in anguish.

"How do I know this person? And how does he know I had a ferret named Goliath?"

Your beloved friend or relative will try in vain to figure out who it is. Best of all, it can't possibly be you because you'll have the perfect alibi: you're not in Poland. You're home, wherever that is, doing whatever it is you do when not driving your friends loopy with international prankery.

Did I mention he mails them on two beautifully random postcards that have nothing to do with anything?

To add to the sheer confusion and genuine discomfort, one missive will be on an original promotional postcard announcing the 1995 television premiere of Central Park West on CBS.

Another will be a postcard celebrating Atlanta's disastrous hosting of the 1996 summer Olympic games.

The guy's almost too funny to be American. But it's New York, so he's just...creepy as fuck.

And totally awesome.

Anyone wanna lend me $250?

Asian Chicks + Skimpy Clothes + Soccer + Mud

what do you get?



roffle

Jeff Hughes - A Real American Hero

A man who doesn't like murder.

A man who will fight global warming, with guns.

A man who loves orphans and gives them candy and fireworks.

A man named Jeff Hughes.

Video is coming soon.

And Thus A Tradition is Born?

It's Caturday!
(So what I'm a smidge late)

From now until I get bored with it, this shall become a once weekly deal. Makes an easy post.

Khakis Well in Hand

I'm looking around at...sweater vests (yeah, my bad) and moving to look at jeans when an older lady, clearly doing Christmas shopping for a grandson or someone like that, asks me if I know where coats are.

"Er...I don't know"

"Oh, do you work here?"

"...no."

I definitely shop at Old Navy too much.

The Mitchell Report: A Ritalin Set Graphic Novel

In ..."honor" of the newly released Mitchell Report (only you sports nurds will get what I'm talking about. Probably.), I decided to...play around with the names involved, or at least the big ones. So here we are, the Mitchell Report for those of us with no atte...PICTURES!!!!!


Shit, guys. Shit shit shit.



Oh shit, what happened?


LOL Murdocked! I busted yous.


Me too?



Yeah, sorry Kev.


Shit.


Sacre bleu!


What, Eric?


LE SHIT!


Guyz, I knew it, I told peeps already.


SHITSHITSHITSHIT


I tolds dem myself.


WhoTF R U?


David Naulty lol



STFU


Sorreh, guyz. What do you say Bud?


...


...


...


...


SHITSHITSHIT

As Seen on HOT or NOT - December 13, 2007

"Aim low, kids. Aim so low you can't possibly fail."

Marge Simpson comes to mind with my latest find, the first I've posted in a while.



"...... i'm normal .. i'd like to meet normal people too .."

Guys, I think I might have a chance!

Idiocy (OR: Genius)

So I've been stepping back into the December drama lately, and this year is not much different. But you're not here for serious shit, you came for mildly funny, mostly awkward attempted humor!

Last night, I came up with the following line, which is either entirely retarded or patently genius:

"I'm not your happy ending, but I can be your short story."

I don't think I'll ever drop it.

Random Joys: It's a Shark With A Gun

Be prepared. The image you are about to see will come to you as it came to me: with no context to explain it, and completely unexpected. If you are like me, you will then proceed to roffle till you lamaow for a few minutes. You will calm down, see the image again, and explode with laughter.

Can you handle it?

Can you?

Bam shika bam shika boom boom boom

Some of you who know me on Facebook may have read a note I posted last week in which I posed a game: Name The Opening Line. Basically, I wrote the opening line or lines from a song and my friends guessed the songs. It became a bit of a phenomenon around Facebook through the weekend, and I figured it'd work nicely here. Because you people are awesome.

First off: NO USING GOOGLE YOU BASTARDS.

These songs aren't quite shuffled. Instead, using iTunes and, of course, a paper notebook (I probably use more pencil and paper to blog than any other blogger alive - hell, I drafted this entry in notepad, formatting and all), I thought of songs that I can sing word for word, and even kept my Coldplay, Decemberists and Killers songs to a minimum. Anyway, I can't guarantee you'll know all of them, though I threw a few easy ones in for fun (Heather may even get a chance this time).

Commence.

1. "At first you were a dream but now you're a nightmare"
2. "Two jumps in a week, I bet you think you're pretty clever, don't you boy?"
3. "Who shot that arrow in your throat, who missed the crimson apple?"
4. "Trudging slowly over wet sand"
5. "Dance with me pretty boy tonight"
6. "I'd like to say hello and welcome you, good day that is my name"
7. "Pretty if the sun don't shine"
8. "I said 'who's that girl there?'"
9. "I thought I'd cry for you forever, but I couldn't, so I didn't"
10. "Poor old Johnny Ray"
11. "Any chimp can play human for a day"
12. "I went to a part last night, what sick things I saw"
13. "Gone, there is gold hidden deep in the ground"
14. "Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream"
15. "Far away, this ship has taken me far away"
16. "Where do we go, nobody knows"
17. "Jesus don't cry, you can rely on me honey"
18. "Find yourself a girl and settle down"
19. "The world beat you for the something nice"
20. "There is a house in New Orleans"
21. "Would you stop talking, because I don't think we agree"
22. "Bones are broken and the will is sunk"
23. "Well, we were shootin' at a mountain of dirt"
24. "Slip inside the eye of you mind"
25. "I've been really tryin', baby"
26. "Let it never be said that romance is dead"
27. "I got my head checked by a jumbo jet"
28. "She's out of luck and out of hope and out of cigarettes"
29. "There is a road that meets the road that goes to my house"
30. "Oh let the sun beat down upon my face"
31. "Darling you've got to let me know"
32. "What a drag it is, the shape I'm in"
33. "I'm bringin' back ghosts that are no longer there"
34. "When you first left me, I was wantin' more"
35. "Forgive, sounds good"
36. "Callin' me high on the telephone"
37. "Dear sir or madam can you read my book?"
38. "Are you gonna take me home tonight?"
39. "Please can you stop the noise I'm trying to get some rest"
40. "You don't have a clue what it is like to be next to you"
41. "What will you do when you get lonely?"
42. "They made up their minds, and they started packing"
43. "They're gonna clean up your looks with all the lies and the books"
44. "There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists"
45. "Remember the old, and get down"
46. "Oh no, I see a spider is tangled up with me"
47. "When there is trap set up for you in every corner of this town"
48. "I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole"
49. "Maybe I don't really wanna know how your garden grows"
50. "If I were young, I'd flee this town"
Bonus: Name the song the title comes from.

And there you have it. I can name any of these songs off the top of my head. I suppose that you might have a harder time, but give it a shot.

Winner gets candy.

Somewhere, the Founding Fathers are cringing. Or laughing their asses off.

This may not be what the Second Amendment entailed, but dammit, we must protect this CP!

Beware Pedobear. Beware.

At play with Google Analytics

Thanks to Heather Funk over at Tango Pirates & Absinthe and Hanna at You Are Not A Beautiful Or Unique Snowflake, I'm now checking you people and how you get here using Google Analytics. Any other bloggers are advised to follow suit - figure out what drives people to your site and all.

And be warned. I stole this idea outright from Heather.

Apparently, the people want Christmas music, and I gives them what they want. Nice to know I'm useful.

So what are people doing here?

Mostly, they aren't. I get a ton of Google searches, as will anyone. What is fun, though, is seeing which terms will yield your page in the results, and trying to figure out why someone would search for it.

"Pics of Ritalin" (1 visit)
"Quaid twins" (I don't think I gave them what they wanted)
"hot and not list 2008"(I guess I make it thanks to a mistyped title)
"crude pics" (I don't know how, I don't know why. Frankly, I don't want to.)
and my favorite, "need ritalin to write paper" (because facebook is too tempting?)

And so all...110 of you (A special thank you to the Ohio Marching Band for your help...even Tracy!), please come back. Tell your friends, tell your enemies, steal the keyboard of the kid next to you if you're in the computer lab right now and hijack their screen here. I even promise to spend a month blogging every day. And if you keep at it, I promise more crude pics.

Heh.

Inspired by ESPN's current front page pic...

there might be a future in lolsports...