All About Me. In Cat Form.

And don't you forget it.

Hard Times Have Come a Knockin', My Friends

Facebook is the reason half of kids in college stay in college.

And Facebook is down.

I believe this would be called a tragedy. Yes, that is quite sufficient.

More Modern American Poetry

Today on Ray Makes Fun of Mainstream Hits:

Shop Boyz, "Party Like A Rockstar"

Let the bashing commence!

as soon as i came out the womb
my momma knew a star was born
now i'm on the golf course
trippin' wit da Osbournes

I swear to god, hip-hop used to mean something. It really was urban poetry, and some artists still uphold that standard. But the Shop Boyz aspire to golf with a family whose patriarch has single-handedly ingested more drugs than the rest of the human population. Nothing screams "street cred" quite like golf. Or the Osbournes. Or golfing wit da Osbournes. Me thinks the double whiteness cancels itself out.

i do it like i do it
cuz you know them hoes be tryin us
hoe don't you know i fuck wit fine dimes
that look like Pa-me-la
they fine and they hot breath
when i'm in the spot bruh......
I PARTY LIKE UH ROCKSTAR

To be totally honest, the sheer...nonsense of this nakes me want to kick a puppy. And I like puppies.

whoop, whoop
me and my band, man
on the yacht with Marilyn Manson
gettin a tan man

You know how I know they're name dropping for the sake of name-dropping? THEY'RE TANNING WITH MARILYN FREAKIN' MANSON.

and my personal favorite line...this might the greatest (i.e. worst) line in the history of hip-hop:

white bitches wanna marry me
they see me they just might panic
my ice make em go down quick
like the Titanic,

The first time I read that line, I chuckled a little. I read it again - and it dawned on me. That's the last rhyme. Not the last line of the song, not the last line on an album or an artist's career - the last line hip-hop can produce. It is perhaps the most ridiculous line I've heard in a song in at least forty-two years or so. The sheer absurdity of it...wow. That said, it shows more creativity than almost any of the songs that have hit #1 in the states. Sad.

To be honest, this is not the worst song of all-time - far from it. But this will still make most "worst-of" lists for the year, and with good reason. All I ask is that the American public puts a decent song at #1, if only for a week. C'mon, maybe The Killers can get some dap? Just one week, that's all!

God Hates Fags. And Shrimp.

Leviticus 11:12:

Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

We must stop Red Lobster, Long John Silver's, and all businesses that are so heartily promoting this sinful abomination. Yes, even Popeye's shall not be spared God's wrath.

More info.

Coming soon

The Ray Lockman Film Festival.

Be ready. One week of awesomestuff. Movies galore for a whole week.

Oh yes. Oh. Yes.

This can get good.

Coming this August to Hilliard, Ohio. Yes.

Films (possible and pending):
Fight Club
Big Fish
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
more to come....

Revelation

Tim Burton is God.

Johnny Depp is the Son.

And Danny Elfman is the Holy Spirit, unseen but very present.

How has this been hidden from me all these years? Quite apparent now that I think about it.

Random Shots (The New Vodka?)

I've figured out why I'm a music snob: my sister. She's one of those who plays her new favorite songs every time I'm around, y'know? And a lot of the time, it's not even a good song to begin with. That, and also because I'm an asshole.

When I'm building small forts out of Mountain Dew cans, I probably need to give it a rest. But I'm not going to.

In the beginning, the universe was created. This made many people angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.



Danny Tanner was a total queer. Duh.

Don't listen to Panic! At the Disco. They'll eat your children.

I play lead guitar in an air band.

To be honest, I'm a damned good driver. I'd be a lot better if it weren't for all those other damned cars.

Think about this for a minute: Pope Fabio.

Remember when Tom Arnold used to be important? Me neither.

I've done the "Cha Cha Slide" on a moving conveyor belt while on the clock, getting paid. Can you put that on your resumè?

You know what I'd like? A legitmate new friend request. Nothing personal, Artificial Intelligence in Texas, but I have no idea who the hell you guys are.

Once upon a time, The Real World portrayed real people. Then, the world was introduced to sex. And it changed television.

As seen on Myspace:

Confirm Add Friend

You cannot add yourself as a friend.

Damn.

fairly simple rule of thumb or pornography: If it turns you on, it's porn. That said, pictures of Rosie O'Donnell naked are simply in poor taste.

I can't remember this specifically, so if someone could help me out, that'd be great: Which level was it that Dante mentioned American Idol?

Because I wanted to post it somewhere.

Low-carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products, hi-def tv, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting 'punk'd', Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much, the Yankees' payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions.

Oh. and Hugh Jackman.

Jumping the shark

Ever wondered what would happen if a rock star one day said, "fuck it" and gave up? Even if you haven't (you haven't), I found the answer.



Man. Bon Jovi was once the biggest, most kickass rock band on the planet. Now, this. It's 4 minutes of moping, brooding, and preening by a band that's all commercial appeal and no soul.

Hell, as recently as 2000 or so, they were pretty awesome. As overplayed as it was, "It's My Life" is a pretty awesome song (which I just realized I should download). But this...this makes the 80s kid that I never was cry.

The real Bon Jovi is no more. Somewhere, a pack of girl with teased-up hair and giant bracelets mourns their loss.

As Seen on HOT or NOT - June 14, 2007

Gratuitous boob shots - what would HoN be without 'em? As exciting as a Amish wet t-shirt contest, that's what.

However, I'm sorry to say this one doesn't...quite...work? Why? Possibly due to the overall dowdiness of the bosom.



Or perhaps the two inch difference in their height.

Just sayin'.

SNAP

12:27 am, Thursday, June 14

Time Warner broke.

I figured a raccoon had eaten something important, like a wire or a cable or Bill Gates.

But I'm baaaack! For a little while.

As Seen on HOTorNOT

Literally, I bookmarked this as "That made a baby":

Days and days later

Follow-up to the Eurovision post:

I've shown the video to a few of my friends, and the general consensus is that some of those Europeans are altered somehow almost constantly.

The downside: I can't get "Dancing Lusha Tumbai" out of my head. That, "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen and "The Mysterious Ticking Noise" by the Potter Puppet Pals have been in my head over the last few days.

Damn.

When the munchies attack...

The Ukraine is crackalicious, and other lessons of Eurovision 2007

You most likely being American and most likely knowing nothing about Europe beyond the fact that they smell funny, you need to know what the hell this Eurovision nonsense is:

Imagine American Idol and the Olympics somehow mating and creating some bizarre, poppy, bastard love child. This is Eurovision Song Contest.

Every participating country selects a singer to represent their nation in the contest. Then, they vote on other nation's acts.

The acts are usually highly elaborate pop sets with costumes, choreographed dancing, and plenty of drugs. That's the only way I think this shit would seem normal. Sometimes, I'd love to be European just to see how they don't laugh at it. Oh. And the songs tend to suck.

Let us examine a few.

Switzerland - "Vampires Are Alive"



"Vampire in Helsinki! Come alive!" Let me reiterate: These people were trying to be serious. Ironically, the lyrics talk about "being forever young." The singer here is at least forty-something. Now that I think about it, he looks like Mr. Vroom, my 7th grade social studies teacher. Holy shit...this would have caught my attention back in the day, what with the rich historical context and whatnot. As it is, all I remember is where Manitoba is. [Somewhere north of Minnesota]

Sweden - "The Worrying Kind"



"Words I like to break 'em, words I like to shake 'em." Yeah. This is actually the contest that launched the career of ABBA, the best thing Sweden had going till Ikea. But by this point, they're reduced to a...white, pasty, male, Swedish Janet Jackson. What the uck went wrong, Sweden?

The Ukraine - "Danzing"



Unlike the rest, this is meant to be funny. It's also strangely catchy and hypnotizing. I've been watching this all evening. And I'm still laughing my ass off. Check out the guy in the back in the shiny outfit, something around his head, and a blindfold. Oh. And an accordion, for good measure.

So there you have it. Everything you never needed for EV07.

Sadly, it's only going to get worse as the years go by...

You can't make this shit up. It'd be too weird...

Mike Tyson wants to do Bollywood movies

MUMBAI, India - Mike Tyson wants to try something new — acting in Bollywood movies. Tyson said the energy on the sets of a music video he recently shot for a new comedy got him thinking about trying to do more Bollywood work, The Times of India reported Monday.

The former heavyweight boxing champion said in an interview that Firoz Nadiadwala, producer of "Fool n Final," had approached him with a script.

"Firoz has discussed a movie with me," the newspaper quoted Tyson as saying.

"We seriously intend to work toward it," he said, without disclosing any details.

Tyson, 40, danced to Bollywood music at a two-day shoot in Las Vegas last month for a music video to promote "Fool n Final," about a diamond heist.

"The atmosphere was very congenial, happy and energetic," the newspaper quoted Tyson as saying.

Tyson plays himself in the music video, set for release later this month.

He said Nadiadwala explained the concept of the music video to him earlier this year.

"I was, anyway, in that phase when I didn't mind trying out something different," he said. "The script seemed very interesting, with lots of excitement thrown in."

Tyson said there are similarities between acting and boxing.

"In both the fields, in order to survive and triumph, you need focus and to be highly disciplined and determined," he said.

A judge in Phoenix gave Tyson permission to travel to Las Vegas to shoot the music video. Tyson is facing charges of drug possession and driving under the influence of drugs for an arrest in Scottsdale last year.

Tyson had been expected to travel to India this summer to film the dance sequence, but the scene was shot in Las Vegas due to security reasons, director Ahmed Khan has said.

HxC, Old School

Unwittingly straightedge. In other words, Breawn Kelly before Breawn Kelly.

All in jest, Bree, you know we love you. [cheesy smile]

Viva ADHD!