The Ukraine is crackalicious, and other lessons of Eurovision 2007

You most likely being American and most likely knowing nothing about Europe beyond the fact that they smell funny, you need to know what the hell this Eurovision nonsense is:

Imagine American Idol and the Olympics somehow mating and creating some bizarre, poppy, bastard love child. This is Eurovision Song Contest.

Every participating country selects a singer to represent their nation in the contest. Then, they vote on other nation's acts.

The acts are usually highly elaborate pop sets with costumes, choreographed dancing, and plenty of drugs. That's the only way I think this shit would seem normal. Sometimes, I'd love to be European just to see how they don't laugh at it. Oh. And the songs tend to suck.

Let us examine a few.

Switzerland - "Vampires Are Alive"



"Vampire in Helsinki! Come alive!" Let me reiterate: These people were trying to be serious. Ironically, the lyrics talk about "being forever young." The singer here is at least forty-something. Now that I think about it, he looks like Mr. Vroom, my 7th grade social studies teacher. Holy shit...this would have caught my attention back in the day, what with the rich historical context and whatnot. As it is, all I remember is where Manitoba is. [Somewhere north of Minnesota]

Sweden - "The Worrying Kind"



"Words I like to break 'em, words I like to shake 'em." Yeah. This is actually the contest that launched the career of ABBA, the best thing Sweden had going till Ikea. But by this point, they're reduced to a...white, pasty, male, Swedish Janet Jackson. What the uck went wrong, Sweden?

The Ukraine - "Danzing"



Unlike the rest, this is meant to be funny. It's also strangely catchy and hypnotizing. I've been watching this all evening. And I'm still laughing my ass off. Check out the guy in the back in the shiny outfit, something around his head, and a blindfold. Oh. And an accordion, for good measure.

So there you have it. Everything you never needed for EV07.

Sadly, it's only going to get worse as the years go by...