BROWNS CHOKE! (Again.)

You know how I know I'm a masochist? I'm still a Browns fan.

All they had to do was beat Cincinnati last week. THAT WAS IT. The Bengals had injured themselves into mediocrity and were well reminded...



of the week two pasting...



shit.

This meant the Bengals were ready for payback, and it was oh so sweet.

So, we needed a week 17 victory against the 49ers AND a Titans loss.

We get the victory, despite the best efforts of Brady Quinn, who came in for an injured Derek Anderson. So, there was still hope.

Browns fans tend to view the term "hope" much the same way Cubs' fans do. We're so used to fate (not to mention our beloved team) shitting on our dreams that it's used in the same way sane people say "slim, sort of maybe kinda possibly a long shot."

Hope came in the form of a possible Titans' loss to the Colts?

Did I say the Colts? It's wasn't so much the Indianapolis Colts - think the Muncie Colts, Indy's JV team, lead by:



JIM SORGI!

Browns win, but it doesn't matter. Titans win, too, and we're left to lament yet again.

If Jamal can come back and Derek Anderson stays and doesn't get hurt, who knows?

Straight Edge and Scheming: The Zack Morris Story

Zachary "Zack" Morris is a fictional character from the sitcoms Good Morning, Miss Bliss, Saved by the Bell, and Saved by the Bell: The College Years. He is portrayed by Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

And there it begins. Random fumbling around on the internet led me to...the Wikipedia article on Zack Morris. Saved By the Bell Zack. And I'm flat out scared by the level of seriousness that the article receives:

Zack displayed a natural tendency to resist peer pressure, turning down a joint from high-profile movie star Johnny Dakota at a Hollywood party. However, Zack (along with Lisa and Slater) did drink beer at a Toga party during senior year, and while driving home after the party, Zack crashed Lisa's mother's car. This traumatic event shook the gang into straight-edged abstinence, and apart from this incident there are no other recorded events of Zack abusing his body in any way.

Rod Parsley would be proud.

Another highlight is Zack's "numerous flames", a partial list that reveals how frighteningly likely the spread of STD's at Bayside High could have been; nineteen girls make the high school list, including the infamous Kelly Kapowski. Hell, Screech's cousin is described as "sexy, albeit adopted."

He did have some minor character flaws, it seems. In addition to the aforementioned beer incident, he also was involved in proposition betting and breaking the fourth wall.

For shame!

As Seen on Hot or Not - December 27, 2007

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

On...what now?

It's quarter of three on Christmas Eve. Naturally, I'm busy chatting up...

pantlessness?

It's a pretty natural state for us all, myself in particular. Anyone able to recall their glorious marching band days shed their modesty by their junior year or so.

"I was the one breaking in everyone and humping everyone randomly."

"we weirded out an 8 year old once"

"Unspeakable things happened underneath those raincoats."

Oh, and she kissed more girls on the band bus than I did. How pathetic.

Happy Caturday! 12.22

The gift of downright creepy

I will be spending the Christmas holiday in Poland in a tiny village that has one church with no bell because angry Germans stole it. Aside from vodka, there is not a lot for me to do.

Normally, that might signal the start of a string of highly depressing and ironically amusing blog entires. Instead, we get perhaps the greatest item ever sold on eBay:

Drive Someone Insane with Postcards

Through the power of eBay, the interwebs, and international postage, you can creep a friend or family member right the fuck out with the highest bid.

During the course of my holiday I will send three postcards to one person of your choosing.

These postcards will be rant-ravingly insane, yet they will be peppered with unmistakable personal details about the addressee. Details you will provide me.

The postcards will not be coherently signed, leaving your mark confused, guessing wildly, crying out in anguish.

"How do I know this person? And how does he know I had a ferret named Goliath?"

Your beloved friend or relative will try in vain to figure out who it is. Best of all, it can't possibly be you because you'll have the perfect alibi: you're not in Poland. You're home, wherever that is, doing whatever it is you do when not driving your friends loopy with international prankery.

Did I mention he mails them on two beautifully random postcards that have nothing to do with anything?

To add to the sheer confusion and genuine discomfort, one missive will be on an original promotional postcard announcing the 1995 television premiere of Central Park West on CBS.

Another will be a postcard celebrating Atlanta's disastrous hosting of the 1996 summer Olympic games.

The guy's almost too funny to be American. But it's New York, so he's just...creepy as fuck.

And totally awesome.

Anyone wanna lend me $250?

Asian Chicks + Skimpy Clothes + Soccer + Mud

what do you get?



roffle

Jeff Hughes - A Real American Hero

A man who doesn't like murder.

A man who will fight global warming, with guns.

A man who loves orphans and gives them candy and fireworks.

A man named Jeff Hughes.

Video is coming soon.

And Thus A Tradition is Born?

It's Caturday!
(So what I'm a smidge late)

From now until I get bored with it, this shall become a once weekly deal. Makes an easy post.

Khakis Well in Hand

I'm looking around at...sweater vests (yeah, my bad) and moving to look at jeans when an older lady, clearly doing Christmas shopping for a grandson or someone like that, asks me if I know where coats are.

"Er...I don't know"

"Oh, do you work here?"

"...no."

I definitely shop at Old Navy too much.

The Mitchell Report: A Ritalin Set Graphic Novel

In ..."honor" of the newly released Mitchell Report (only you sports nurds will get what I'm talking about. Probably.), I decided to...play around with the names involved, or at least the big ones. So here we are, the Mitchell Report for those of us with no atte...PICTURES!!!!!


Shit, guys. Shit shit shit.



Oh shit, what happened?


LOL Murdocked! I busted yous.


Me too?



Yeah, sorry Kev.


Shit.


Sacre bleu!


What, Eric?


LE SHIT!


Guyz, I knew it, I told peeps already.


SHITSHITSHITSHIT


I tolds dem myself.


WhoTF R U?


David Naulty lol



STFU


Sorreh, guyz. What do you say Bud?


...


...


...


...


SHITSHITSHIT

As Seen on HOT or NOT - December 13, 2007

"Aim low, kids. Aim so low you can't possibly fail."

Marge Simpson comes to mind with my latest find, the first I've posted in a while.



"...... i'm normal .. i'd like to meet normal people too .."

Guys, I think I might have a chance!

Idiocy (OR: Genius)

So I've been stepping back into the December drama lately, and this year is not much different. But you're not here for serious shit, you came for mildly funny, mostly awkward attempted humor!

Last night, I came up with the following line, which is either entirely retarded or patently genius:

"I'm not your happy ending, but I can be your short story."

I don't think I'll ever drop it.

Random Joys: It's a Shark With A Gun

Be prepared. The image you are about to see will come to you as it came to me: with no context to explain it, and completely unexpected. If you are like me, you will then proceed to roffle till you lamaow for a few minutes. You will calm down, see the image again, and explode with laughter.

Can you handle it?

Can you?

Bam shika bam shika boom boom boom

Some of you who know me on Facebook may have read a note I posted last week in which I posed a game: Name The Opening Line. Basically, I wrote the opening line or lines from a song and my friends guessed the songs. It became a bit of a phenomenon around Facebook through the weekend, and I figured it'd work nicely here. Because you people are awesome.

First off: NO USING GOOGLE YOU BASTARDS.

These songs aren't quite shuffled. Instead, using iTunes and, of course, a paper notebook (I probably use more pencil and paper to blog than any other blogger alive - hell, I drafted this entry in notepad, formatting and all), I thought of songs that I can sing word for word, and even kept my Coldplay, Decemberists and Killers songs to a minimum. Anyway, I can't guarantee you'll know all of them, though I threw a few easy ones in for fun (Heather may even get a chance this time).

Commence.

1. "At first you were a dream but now you're a nightmare"
2. "Two jumps in a week, I bet you think you're pretty clever, don't you boy?"
3. "Who shot that arrow in your throat, who missed the crimson apple?"
4. "Trudging slowly over wet sand"
5. "Dance with me pretty boy tonight"
6. "I'd like to say hello and welcome you, good day that is my name"
7. "Pretty if the sun don't shine"
8. "I said 'who's that girl there?'"
9. "I thought I'd cry for you forever, but I couldn't, so I didn't"
10. "Poor old Johnny Ray"
11. "Any chimp can play human for a day"
12. "I went to a part last night, what sick things I saw"
13. "Gone, there is gold hidden deep in the ground"
14. "Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream"
15. "Far away, this ship has taken me far away"
16. "Where do we go, nobody knows"
17. "Jesus don't cry, you can rely on me honey"
18. "Find yourself a girl and settle down"
19. "The world beat you for the something nice"
20. "There is a house in New Orleans"
21. "Would you stop talking, because I don't think we agree"
22. "Bones are broken and the will is sunk"
23. "Well, we were shootin' at a mountain of dirt"
24. "Slip inside the eye of you mind"
25. "I've been really tryin', baby"
26. "Let it never be said that romance is dead"
27. "I got my head checked by a jumbo jet"
28. "She's out of luck and out of hope and out of cigarettes"
29. "There is a road that meets the road that goes to my house"
30. "Oh let the sun beat down upon my face"
31. "Darling you've got to let me know"
32. "What a drag it is, the shape I'm in"
33. "I'm bringin' back ghosts that are no longer there"
34. "When you first left me, I was wantin' more"
35. "Forgive, sounds good"
36. "Callin' me high on the telephone"
37. "Dear sir or madam can you read my book?"
38. "Are you gonna take me home tonight?"
39. "Please can you stop the noise I'm trying to get some rest"
40. "You don't have a clue what it is like to be next to you"
41. "What will you do when you get lonely?"
42. "They made up their minds, and they started packing"
43. "They're gonna clean up your looks with all the lies and the books"
44. "There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists"
45. "Remember the old, and get down"
46. "Oh no, I see a spider is tangled up with me"
47. "When there is trap set up for you in every corner of this town"
48. "I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole"
49. "Maybe I don't really wanna know how your garden grows"
50. "If I were young, I'd flee this town"
Bonus: Name the song the title comes from.

And there you have it. I can name any of these songs off the top of my head. I suppose that you might have a harder time, but give it a shot.

Winner gets candy.

Somewhere, the Founding Fathers are cringing. Or laughing their asses off.

This may not be what the Second Amendment entailed, but dammit, we must protect this CP!

Beware Pedobear. Beware.

At play with Google Analytics

Thanks to Heather Funk over at Tango Pirates & Absinthe and Hanna at You Are Not A Beautiful Or Unique Snowflake, I'm now checking you people and how you get here using Google Analytics. Any other bloggers are advised to follow suit - figure out what drives people to your site and all.

And be warned. I stole this idea outright from Heather.

Apparently, the people want Christmas music, and I gives them what they want. Nice to know I'm useful.

So what are people doing here?

Mostly, they aren't. I get a ton of Google searches, as will anyone. What is fun, though, is seeing which terms will yield your page in the results, and trying to figure out why someone would search for it.

"Pics of Ritalin" (1 visit)
"Quaid twins" (I don't think I gave them what they wanted)
"hot and not list 2008"(I guess I make it thanks to a mistyped title)
"crude pics" (I don't know how, I don't know why. Frankly, I don't want to.)
and my favorite, "need ritalin to write paper" (because facebook is too tempting?)

And so all...110 of you (A special thank you to the Ohio Marching Band for your help...even Tracy!), please come back. Tell your friends, tell your enemies, steal the keyboard of the kid next to you if you're in the computer lab right now and hijack their screen here. I even promise to spend a month blogging every day. And if you keep at it, I promise more crude pics.

Heh.

Inspired by ESPN's current front page pic...

there might be a future in lolsports...

Je sais que tu prendras soin de mon ame

Stupid decided to have a convention this morning, right there on I-70 East. Oh how I detest Columbus drivers.

I've been damn near obsessed for a few weeks now with an old French pop song. And I'm manning up and admitting it. "Le Moribond" by Jacques Brel (which I apparently make a funny face whilst saying) is just a gorgeous song, with lyrics to match:

Je veux qu'on rie
Je veux qu'on danse
Je veux qu'on s'amuse comme des fous
Je veux qu'on rie
Je veux qu'on danse
Quand c'est qu'on me mettra dans le trou

Roughly translated:

I want everyone to laugh
I want everyone to dance
I want everyone to party like a bunch of fools
I want everyone to laugh
I want everyone to dance
When they come to put me in my grave

Absolutely gorgeous.

What's sad is that I only discovered it thanks to this man:



Zach Condon, from the supercool band Beirut (shown here with the most supercool of instruments, the baritone). He covered the song at South by Southwest earlier this year in Austin, and put that performance on the Elephant Gun single - ie another one of my favorite songs of all time.

And of course, me being the music geek I am, I had to find the original version.

The rest is last.fm history.

Teh Dickage

As written in a Facebook note by the Benjones:

Dick Cheney is having heart problems again He's had 4 heart attacks already, so I think that leave him with 3 horcruxes.

Zing.

Zing indeed, sir. Zing, indeed.

DINOSAUR THIEFIN'

So Dinosaur Comics - a rather dashing daily webcomic from Canadian Ryan North - made me roffle my ass off today. If I weren't in the computer lab, I'd have roffled it clean off.



Click Pic to read it.

Supercool, Vol. 1

Spiked hair? Check.
Aviator shades? Check
Hollister t-shirt and a sweet metro jacket? Check
Permanently attached bluetooth headset? Check

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the ubertool.

Random Joys: THE POWER TO MANIFEST WATER BWAHAHA

Does anyone else, while in the shower, let the water flow down their arms and off their fingertips? It gives the greatest sense of superpowers.

Aquaman, eat my bubbles!

Reasons I'm Going to Hell: Dennis Quaid

CNN: Dennis Quaid's Twins Given Overdose

Dennis Qauid's twins were accidentally given an overdose of blood thinner while in the hospital.

I want to make a Lindsay Lohan reference here. I so want to.

Reasons I'm Going to Hell: Spanish Class

Preparing for a composition evaluation next week, my Spanish 101 professor was going over an example composition. Like a number of Spanish teachers do, he led with the start of the sentence, in this case, being "Me gusta...[I forget the rest.]" So he begins the English translation with a trailing, "I like...?" and while I kept my mouth shut, I couldn't stop my brain.

"Big butts and I cannot lie.."

I suppose I'm developing a knack for breaking into hip-hop songs at inopportune moments.

As Seen On Craig's List (Back to Posting Random Crap from Elsewhere On the Internet)

You were on the sidewalk with a gaggle of your friends and you were all rushing toward the curb. I hit my brakes, afraid that you were going to run into the street, but you flashed me instead.

Never before have I believed in love at first sight. They were shapely and round and oh-so-generously proportioned, with smooth creamy skin, and they were proudly standing up with the resilience of youth. I immediately began thinking of all the things I could do with your breasts -- we could go for long walks together on misty mornings, have dinner in romantic restaurants, go for bike rides around the lake. I began to imagine a lifetime of waking up with your breasts in my face, continuing to love them as age and gravity inevitably take their toll.

I could write poems for your pom-poms, ditties for your titties. Eat your heart out Keats -- who needs a Grecian urn when I've got a pair of ice cream sundaes with cherries on top?

I'm almost certainly too old for you, but I think I could still have a meaningful relationship with your boobs.

'cause I know that side of me that wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and fly the whole mess into the sea

I'm leaving for Bowling Green, Kentucky, on Friday, and I need tuneskis for the
six-hour (each way) drive. So what is a music nurd like me to do?



MIXTAPE!

Yes, yet another mixtape. This one's a spot of pride considering I literally started on it last night.

THE TRACKS:
1. Golden Earring, "Radar Love"
2. Peter Bjorn and John, "Young Folks"
3. Dave Matthews Band, "Ants Marching"
4. Islands, "Rough Gem"
5. a-ha, "Take On Me"
6. Wolfmother, "Joker & the Thief"
7. The Subways, "Oh Yeah"
8. The Killers, "Change Your Mind"
9. OK Go, "Don't Ask Me"
10. Hot Hot Heat, "Goodnight Goodnight"
11. Babyshambles, "I Wish"
12. The Shins, "Young Pilgrims"
13. Gogol Bordello, "Wonderlust King"
14. New Radicals, "You Get What You Give"
15. Cary Brothers, "Ride"
16. The Wallflowers, "One Headlight"
17. Whitey, "Non Stop"
18. The Police, "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"
19. Eels, "Fresh Feeling"
20. Gordon Lightfoot, "The List"
21. Jack Johnson, "Constellations"

And last, but not least:

The Link

I-65 will never be the same.

Also in the works:

Christmas 2007 Mix (also, the 06 Mix will be re-upped for nostalgia's sake)
Summer Mix 2 (because in hindsight, the first one kind of sucked)
and a bunch of schweet covers and stuff like that.

Reasons I'm Going To Hell: Wheelchair

I couldn't help it, I swear.

Every now and then, in front of the Kroger on Hilliard-Rome Road, you'll see some of the old folks from the surrounding apartments out and about. One of them was crossing the street in her motorized wheelchair and I had to:

"They see me rollin', they hatin'..."

Euros on Crack Revisited

So some of you who read this blog early on may very well remember the post I wrote back in...wow, it was in June. I wrote about the weirdness that was, and is, Eurovision (Read it here). Well, contest favorite Verka Serduchka keeps on keeping on, and that infectious little diddy? It's been remixed about a bajillion times. The below is amazing and hilarious and all sorts of things. In closing, it is what happens when European people on crack are remixed by other European people on crack.

NOOOOOOOOO

Adored Mailing List Recipients,

With much regret The Decemberists have cancelled the remainder of "The Long and Short of It" tour.

One of our band members has been ill for a while but we thought all would be well in time for these tour dates. After a couple shows, though, it has become clear that the illness is much worse than we had initially realized. We need to return home so our friend can mend.

It saddens us to disappoint our fans. We hope everybody understands it is only because of an extreme situation that we had to cancel a tour we've all been excited about doing since the idea was originally hatched.

Our deepest apologies but at this time no plans are being made to reschedule the dates. Ticket holders should seek refunds at point of purchase.

Yours,

The Decemberists

And indie kids across this great nation let out a collective "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

Yep, The Decemberists have canceled the rest of their tour, including the stop here in C-Bus.

Upon Further Review

In hindsight, the last post was a waste of your time. That is, if you even read it.

And this is sleepy Ray, a very poor evaluator of quality. Usually, this is the state that causes me to review my own work later. Sad, really.

Bloggin' downtown.

Okay, with a view of downtown. If I had a cellphone...well, the money to use the cellphone with, I'd post a pic of the lovely view. Alas, I'm stuck here in English 101, waiting to turn in a paper that's probably not complete, as well as a reaction paper only a true bullshitter like myself could enjoy. Also, I'm nodding off at perhaps inopprotune moments.

Like sitting up in science, whilst the professor is going over the lab. I wilt like a flower in heat.

Or eating lunch. Nothin is quite as embarassing as going narco with a slice of mini pizza in hand.

That, and I have "Henry VIII, I Am" stuck in my head.

I'm Hen-a-ry the eighth I am...

I'm also analyzing the lyrics. Think about it: if you're this Henry dude, why in hell are you marrying her? Not only has she been married secen times before, but every one was a Henry. She wouldn't have a Willie or a Sam? I don't think it's you she lusts after, amigo. I think it's your...name. How sad.

So I'll admit, I do aim to get it stuck in your head. And if you know the song, it should be blaring by now..

I'm Hen-a-ry the eighth I am...

Heh.

Oh, to be a dude tonight.

#2 Boston College @ #8 Virginia Tech. An amazing game at one of college football's best stadiums. At night. Boom.

World Series, game 2: Colorado @ Boston. Perhaps the series-maker or breaker for the Rockies. Woot.

And the season premiere of Scrubs, a dramadey that men can actually get behind.

Testosterone, ho!

It's coming...

Photo from Flickr user TIO.

Yeah, I secretly love being horribly ambiguous about this, but yeah, it is coming. You could very well guess or even know exactly what it is if you've read my other blogs (ie MySpace) or actually talk to me, but all I've got left to say about this is...no. Nothing more. I almost gave it away there.

Anyway, I'm sorry about the lack of updates for all zero of my loyal readers out there, I swear, I've been writing funny stuff. Or at least...eh, I've been writing. I even had a pretty decent running diary of last Monday going, but my dog ruined my notes. Seriously. How ironic, the dog messing up what I should have done instead of schoolwork.

Anyway, more posting to come. I swears.

Riddle me this: WHY DOES A 10 YEAR OLD NEED A CELL PHONE?!

Success (OR: Surely one step closer to 2012)

Losing My Credibility As A Mature Sportswriter (Before I Really Even Get Started)

Tonight's starting pitcher for the Yankees? Chen-Ming Wang (a former Clipper, I might add).

To give what I am about to tell you some credit, tonight's is a must-win game for the Yankees, and even more so for their manager, Joe Torre - if they lose, their season is over, and Torre's probably a goner. (and as of now, Wang - pronounced "Wong" - has been pulled. pity).

Anyway, I'm going to lose some legitimacy here, but I couldn't help but notice the ESPN.com headline:

Torre confident in Wang.

Just giggle, dammit.

Storytime

Once, there was a little frog, sitting by the river. A scorpion comes along, and asks the frog for some help.

"What do you want me to do," asked the frog.

The scorpion asked the frog to carry him across the river.

"But you are a scorpion, and you sting things by your nature."

"Well, I cannot deny that," admitted the scorpion.

"Still, I propose a deal," said the frog. "I'll carry you across the river and you must promise not to sting me."

"It is a deal."

The scorpion climbed onto the frog's back, and they set out across the river. They made it about halfway when the scorpion suddenly stung the frog.

"Why would you do something so foolish?" asked the frog. "Now we shall both die."

The moral: Scorpions are jerks.

Radiohead to Record execs:

YOU ARE ALL FUCKED.

Have a nice day.

A Ray Lockman original drawring

Darby Pride

destuffed.

Facebook'd - September 27, 2007

Color-printed clips portfolio--$5
Dress sandals--$25
Cute and snazzy little business suit and pearls--$45
Large iced coffee chugged while hauling ass uphill--$3
Showing up to your job interview a month early--priceless.

Christina Allen...staying true to form.

And so at last the beast fell and the unbelievers rejoiced. But all was not lost, for from the ash rose a great bird. The bird gazed down upon the unbelievers and cast fire and thunder upon them. For the beast had been reborn with its strength renewed, and the followers of Mammon cowered in horror.



from The Book of Mozilla, 7:15

Weird, eh? For those of you using Firefox (and that should be all of you), check out about:Mozilla and be weirded the fuck out.

Kollege

So at some point I'm going to post the actual notes I took my first day of class so you can see I'm really like this in real life.

Thank You, Brothers Chaps

I've just realized why Elise and I didn't work out:

She was a Limozeen girl, but I'm a Sloshy boy.

Now, we can all pretend it's as simple (and as lame) as that.

All You Ever Need To Know About Ray's Summer

Revelation1X5: drooooooooool...
StoogeontheLoose: did you ever see the giant wooden spoon?
Revelation1X5: ... i dont believe so...
StoogeontheLoose: well, it's a giant...wooden...spoon.
StoogeontheLoose: i'm running around, blasting my stereo
StoogeontheLoose: using it as an air guitar
StoogeontheLoose: sadly, i've done this a lot this summer

That is why school starting in a week is a good thing.

All You Ever Needed to Know About Indie Rock

In handy Venn Diagram form:

It's [insert time here] and Michigan still sucks.

As those of you who follow sports may be aware, the University of Michigan's football team (a detested rival of my favorite Ohio State Buckeyes) is about to fall to Oregon, the score currently 39-7. This comes one week after they fell at home to Appalachian State. While today's game is a historic upset in the way App State was, it still drops the Wolverines to 0-2 for the season. This is probably more cause for celebration here in Columbus than Ohio State's two ho-hum victories over Youngstown State and Akron.

That being said, Matt Caracciolo and I have figured out what happened to Michigan's team. It lies in a mundane kids movie starring the greatest basketball player who ever lived: Space Jam, featuring Michael Jordan.

For those unfamiliar with the plot (which I assume is all of you), Mr. Swackhammer (voiced by Danny DeVito) is the owner of Moron Mountain (not to be confused with Ann Arbor), a failing amusement park on another planet. He decides that in order to save the park, he'll capture the Looney Toons and enslave them on his planet (eerily similar to Manny Fernandez's plan for the former Wyandot Lake).

The Looney Toons, when combated by Swackhammers Nerdlucks (shown here), offer up a basketball game for their souls...er...services. Whatever.

The Nerdulucks, who as you can see are not all that big (smaller, in fact, than Mr. DeVito), steal the abilities of some of the NBA's all-time greats, including Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, and...er...Mugsey Bogues. Yeah.

Anyway, the rest of the plot doesn't matter, really, because I've gotten to the part of it I need: those talent-stealing nerdlucks.

I've theorized that somehow, a few of them managed to get into Michigan's locker room before the Appalachian State game. It's the only way to explain how Chad Henne has magically turned into the new Steve Bellasari. Worse, even.

Jim Tressel is unavailable for comment.

You know you wanna play it.

Jeff Hughes, Matt Caracciolo, and Hanna Goetz star in the biggest game to date:

Pelt Ray's Friends on the Beach ROFLMAO

Other games

Build your own games

Not Related to Second-Grade Calvin

The Unofficially Official Rules of Calvinball


1.1. All players must wear a Calvinball mask (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.1). No one questions the masks.

*IMPORTANT -- The following rules are subject to be changed, amended, or deleted by any player(s) involved.

1.2 Any player may declare a new rule at any point in the game. The player may do this audibly or silently depending on what zone (Refer to Rule 1.5) the player is in.

1.3. A player may use the Calvinball (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.2)in any way the player see fits, whether it be to incur injury upon other players or to gain benefits for himself.

1.4. Any penalty legislation may be in the form of pain, embarassment, or any degradation the rulee wishes to execute upon the other player.

1.5 The Calvinball Field (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.3) should consist of areas, or zones, which are governed by a set of rules declared by players. Zones may be appear and disappear as often and wherever the player decides. For example, a corollary zone would enable a player to make a corollary (sub-rule) to any rule already made. Or a pernicious poem place would require the intruder to do what the name implies. Or an opposite zone would enable a player to declare reverse playibility on the others. (Remember, the player would declare this zone oppositely by not declaring it.)

1.6 Flags (Calvinball Equipment 2.3) shall be named by players whom shall also assign the power and rules which shall govern that flag.

1.7 Songs are an integral part of Calvinball and verses must be sung spontaneously through the game when randomly assigned events occur.

1.8 Score may be kept or disregarded. In the event that score is kept, it shall have no bearing on the game nor shall it have any logical consistency to it. (Legal scores include 'Q to 12', 'BW-109 to YU-34, and 'Nosebleed to Pelvic Fracture'.)

1.9 Any rule above that is carried out during the course of the game may never be used again in the event that it causes the same result as a previous game. Calvinball games may never be played the same way twice.


Calvinball Equipment

2.1. Mask - All participants are required to wear a mask.

2.2. Calvinball - A Calvinball may be a soccerball, volleyball, or any other reasonable ball.

2.3 Calvinball Field - The Calvinball Field should be any well-sized field, preferably with trees, rocks, grass, creeks, and other natural obstacles.

2.4 Miscellaneous - Other optional equipment include flags, wickets (especially of the time-fracture variety), and anything else the players wish to include.

People...I'm set on getting a game of this going. We need a place (I've got a few in mind), and people...come on. Running around, shouting, insulting, random rule-making, impromptu song...what more do you want?

A True Story!

Remember that kid in second grade, Calvin?

Remember how he always had to answer before you in class? How he always teamed up with your friend Josh before you could get to Josh?

Remember when he was on the same soccer team as you? He never passed you the ball. Not when he was dogged by five other 7-year-olds. Not when you were three feet away. NOT EVEN WHEN YOU WERE WIDE OPEN AND PRETTY MUCH STANDING IN FRONT OF THE FREAKING GOAL.

Remember the dinosaur diorama? All he had to do was make a brontosaurus and a pachycephalosaurus (still my favorite dinosaur...so I had to wiki the spelling I can still pronounce it with each...Packeesefaluhsaurus!) and he couldn't freaking do it. Freeloading bastard.

Fine. You probably got along with people in second grade. I wrote stories about the sun sinking and killing people. And Barry Sanders.

I was weird.

Revelation (September 2, 2007)

Lauren Caitlin Upton is the new dramatic chipmunk.

Don’t you know that I’ll always be true?

I was driving along Dublin Road when this random nugget popped in my head:

Imagine you're the guitarist for Iron Butterfly. For years, and years, and years, you play that riff from "Inna Gadda Da Vida" for the better part of twenty minutes, night after night. At some point, wouldn't you just be all like, "fuck this, I'm playing somethin' else!"

Then it hit me: if it weren't for that song, you wouldn't be on a stage every night. You'd be at Wendy's, workin' the fryer, trying to understand what the Hispanic dudes are doin'. So you shut the hell up and keep on trippin'.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is rock and roll.

Lauren Caitlin Upton - Miss Teen South Carolina - Maps

"I personally believe that some U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and I believe that our education, like South Africa and the Iraq...and I believe that they should...our education over here in the U.S should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future."

Nice save there at the end with a bullshit answer.

By the way, look at the guy holding the mic at the very end. He knows, he absolutely knows how funny this shit is.

Once again, Ray uses crude MS Paint pictures to illustrate small details of everyday life.

I got a much-needed haircut. It's really, really short now. Too short?

I went to my "usual" place, and my favorite...I don't wanna say stylist, `cause that sounds gay, but she's too not-a-man to be a barber...haircutter, Anna. She seemed tired and today's was an admittedly lackluster performance. Oh well, at least I didn't cut it myself.

A basic rendering of the results:



That's probably too dark a shade of brown to accurately illustrate my hair color. Also, my arms are like, twice as long as my arms. What the hell? Alas.

Wherein Ray discovers his Bacon Number

I've finally done it: I've discovered my link to Kevin Bacon, and it is indeed less than six. I finally found my connection through my friend Grace. Not only did she connect me, she connects me in short fashion. I'm gonna have to kiss a lot of bottom to get much closer. Anyway, one's Bacon Number is however many steps one is separated from the Baconater (I coined that before Wendy's, I have the paperwork to prove it.), in terms of movies and other such. So what is mine?

This illustration explains it crudely yet effectively.



In detail:

I (RAY LOCKMAN) know Grace from Western Kentucky.
Grace knows Friend Whose Name I Cannot Remember from high school.
Friend Whose Name I Cannot Remember's house was used by Bon Jovi for their "(You Want to) Make A Memory" video. (previously blogged about out of frustration)
Jon Bon Jovi was in U-571 with Tom Guiry.
Tom Guiry was in Mystic River with KEVIN BACON.

Ta daaaaaaaaa.

8 years before the fact...

Starting around the twenty second mark (or the 1:02 remaining mark if you view it here), listen in. WHERE THE HELL WAS THIS THINKING IN '02?

Why Jeff and Ray Don't Smoke Weed

[Author's Note: This was NOT a story involving me or anyone I know. Like the vast majority of stuff posted on this blog, it is not a purely original idea. Almost everything here is generated by or straight-up stolen. But it was funny enough to repost. As far as you know, I've never touched this stuff.)

The other night my friend had some pot and wanted me to smoke it with him, but we had nowhere to smoke it because both our parents were home.

So we drove around looking for a place to park so we could smoke in the car.

We eventually settled on a Wendys parking lot..the logic is all there...
I know, it was a ridiculous idea. We were just desperate and that was the first place to pull off..

So we park in the back of the parking lot under this tree, and it's dark out, so we figure we're secluded enough. We start to light up and a cop pulls in. So we both sit really still and hope the cop will think the car is empty and just parked there. Or that he won't notice.

The cop circles the parking lot once, then parks behind us and we're both freaking out. So Bobby, my friend, takes all the pot and shoves it in the glove compartment. But the car smells like pot, so we figure we're busted.

So Bobby says we've gotta distract the cop from the pot. In a huge flash, he rips his shirt off, undoes my pants and sticks his hand inside. Before I can process what's happening, the cop knocks on my window. Then he looks in and sees Bobby shirtless, with his hand down my pants and turns bright red.

I roll my window down and the cop says in this really flustered voice, his face bright red, "you guys be good now" and walks quickly back to his car and drives off.
He didn't even notice the smell of pot.

We drove home in the most uncomfortable fucking silence ever.

NEW BATMAN PICS.

The title is in all capital letters because I am that fuckin' excited. A handful of pics from The Dark Knight have emerged, and all appears to be well on the technically unnamed film being filmed in Chicago.

Heath Ledger looks magnificently creepy as The Joker, based on this pic from March:



And now a few have popped up today:




By the way, Maggie Gyllenhaal is an underrated hottie. Severely.



More random images:


So it's not the bat tank. Nothing can be as badass as the bat tank.


This is just confusing as fuck.


Michael Caine is incredible.




And for the ladies, the Christian-Bale-is-a-total-hottie shot:



It's out next year. Can't be soon enough